Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:SilentConfession says:
Hi, i'm here for your requested review!

So, to start off with I think the idea behind this is really great. I've never thought about Draco's debt and it's really interesting to have the Grim Reaper come in to collect his dues. It reminded me a lot of The Tale of the Three Brothers in DH and how Death felt cheated when he didn't get all three brothers.

Your premise is great but i feel like there are a few things you should look at and it should increase readers and interest to the story. This may seem small but spacing is a huge deal. If i hadn't been requested I would have clicked off the story because it's strangely a huge turn off for me to see massive spaces between paragraphs.

Although i liked that you tried to keep things mysterious and kept the readers guessing i felt like things were confusing and not in that i want to keep reading kind of way. Things just seemed a little convoluted. This may be because you had a lot of flashbacks and things were happening quite fast. You need to be very intentional with what you tell your audience and when you tell them. It comes with practice. I think what might also help here is that you introduce characters without really saying who they are to the main character. Since this is a pretty big cast of characters, especially for a first chapter, i'd suggest just trying to clarify where they all belong and how they're all connected.

Some of your wording too makes it hard to understand exactly what you mean. For example 'get at me bro'. There are also some grammar issues that a proof read would probably help just so that it won't disrupt the flow.

Another thing you may want to look at is dialogue. It can really do a lot with characterization your people. For instance, Ru seems like a sassy, spunky young witch who always has something to say. I get that just from what she says. The Reaper however seems a little diluted. I'm not sure what you're going for with him but his dialogue seemed funny and almost like you were trying to make him sadistic but the humour is his dialogue made that impossible. I've always imagined it to be darker and more ominous. However, I suppose it depends on how you see it and what you were trying to go for.

A final point is description and this is a short one because generally you do a nice job with it. However there are times i'm begging to know what the other characters are doing. Harry is there the whole time? If he is, let us know what he's doing. Why is he silent? Is he angry? Is he sad? Shifting his feet? This all will help your readers connect to the story better and be able to visualize it. I always imagine my stories and scenes like movies and try to explain to my readers what i see, smell, or feel there. Is James there too? What does he do? Why is he going through with it? Some of those questions don't need to be answered right away, however, it's important to keep them in mind for later.

I don't want you to feel disheartened by this because I don't think this is boring as you asked. I think this could be really good and you have a great idea. You could expand this into a longer story. Just be sure that if you do to know generally where you are going and to clean up some of your wording and i think you'll have a good story here.

Thank you so much for requesting me and i hope I answered your questions satisfactory. If you ever need more help feel free to request again or PM. -zayne

Author's Response: Hey! Thanks for you reviews.

For the 'get at me bro' thing. That's just a type of slang. Its not really supposed to mean something meaning full besides give the readers an idea of what kinda of a person the character is since the slang does speak for itself.

i'll try to act more dialogue off course! i usually do dialogues so its great.

im glad you could read! thank you so much for taking the time =)

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 426
Submit Report: