Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:SilentConfession says:
Hi, i'm here for your requested review! Sorry for the delay!

I don't think vampire stories are very often explored in HPFF but then it is a genre that i don't really read so I may be mistaken when I say that. So in that I think the story is unique

So, you asked for the meat? Well, i will try. :P

Characterization wise i felt like he was a little everywhere. It's okay for a character to be inconsistent because people are like that sometimes but usually that would be over a whole story and not just in one scene. I think he could be an interesting character but i had a hard time really connecting with him. I think it might have come from me not being able to figure him out. Some questions i have of him are - does he actually believe in the cause? Why was here there? Is he sarcastic or serious? I think the confusion comes from his quickly changing moods. One point he's feeling the protest, the next annoyed that no one is accepting him, then realizing that he's a predator and going into his little fit. It all happened quite quickly. I think if you just cleaned that up a bit he would be a very believable character. I also had a hard time imagining his fit and his snapping of teeth at people. It seemed a little forced. But i think it comes from his changing attitudes.

Humour wise I think there are some funny parts. Some of his wording about needing a pass to be part of the protest was nicely done. Also, the irony that everyone was more scared of a Vampire than the other creatures that were around them (banshee's, giant's, ogre's etc) seemed a bit funny. He seems to have a drier sort of humour which is a nice change from many of the over the top slapstick ff that are out there.

I think your descriptions can use some work as well. Generally speaking it's not bad but i think it will help flesh out your character a bit more if the descriptions are bit more fleshed out. What does the square look like? Are there ministry officials around the protest and what are they doing? You had a good part with the muggle couple walking by, it added an overarching look at what was happening. I'm also curious to have a clue about the era of this. I'm guessing next gen at some point because of the house elf fighting for rights (did that come from Hermione's reforms?)

I hope you found this review helpful and thanks for requesting me. I did enjoy being introduced to this! :P

Author's Response: Hey :)

Thank you for coming by!

I appreciate your point about characterization. I had actually already tried fixing him a bit, but I suppose I need to do more. The way I pictured the scene wasn't really from his pov (and yet it did morph into his pov towards the end), which is why Jack might appear incomplete. The main point was to throw the reader into the chaotic mess of the creatures' protest,not really to introduce Jack. I wonder what else I can do, since this is just an intro chapter...But I'll try my best :)

To answer some of your questions: Jack is at the protest, because he feels discriminated against as a vampire. I tried to imply this indirectly by having even the other protesters dislike him for what he is. I suppose I failed most at showing how he slowly goes from being optimistic, to annoyed to hopelessly giving up during his conversation with the elf and the orge, so I will try to make that transition clearer somehow. The flip out is indeed odd and it was intended this way, since, again, what this story is about is how odd and out of place vampires can be ;)

The exact era will be mentioned later, but it can be termed New New Gen, if you will. Hermione is no longer around, but her legacy lives on (sort of, I guess).

As to description, I will see what I can do there as well! I actually had an entire paragraph describing a bored Auror that was supervising the protest, but it didn't quite flow with the rest. I resorted to mentioning the Aurors briefly in Jack's thoughts as he flips out. I guess it's too sublte and doesn't stick :P

Thank you for your suggestions and I hope you enjoyed the read :)
Cheers!


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 731
Submit Report: