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Review:my_voice_rising says:
Hello! Back again!

I am starting with a critique, only because it is the first sentence of the chapter. And I'm only being picky because it's so important to capture the reader's attention within the first sentence. Albus Dumbledore stood by the lake, awaiting the arrival of Hogwarts' new first-year intake, who he could see rowing across the lake. The repetition of the word "lake" paired with the rhyming and the length makes this sentence a little sing-songy. What if you said something like Albus Dumbledore stood by the lake, awaiting the arrival of the new first-years. He could see them now rowing across the waters? Just a suggestion of course, however it seems fit to you is what's best! I just chose to mention this because in my last review I said that you speak in run-on sentences but in ways so that it reads like historical literature... this sentence was a bit different though :3

In fact, as I read through, there are several places where you could take out some words to shorten your sentences. An author I really admire on HPFF told me that brevity is important when she pointed out that I sometimes do the same thing. It makes sentences more meaningful and to-the-point, if that makes sense. It also gives readers a chance to develop their own opinions or thoughts, rather than being explicitly told something. An example would be He was almost positive that the dark-haired, dark-eyed girl was Walburga Black, a twelve-year-old girl who had suffered from a terrible bout of dragonpox the previous year causing her attendance at Hogwarts to be delayed by a year. This could be shortened to something like, He was almost positive that the dark-haired, dark-eyed girl was Walburga Black. She had suffered from a terrible bout of dragonpox the previous year, which caused her attendance at Hogwarts to be delayed. If she's 12 and in the first-year boats, we can already assume the information that has just been taken out :3

The conversation between Fee and the Sorting Hat was a clever way of learning her past history. It was a bit strange for the Hat to be mentioning its opinions about her past, but perhaps he was provoking her to see what her reactions would be, and determine her character that way? Nice touch that she didn't want to go to Hogwarts--most young OCs are portrayed as wanting to go so badly. I also love that she wants to be the Minister of Magic. Very Slytheirn-ambitious indeed!

I like how you start us off on the day of a wedding and then flash back to their first day of Hogwarts. Two monumental days in their lives, and we can see how some of them have changed and how they're still the same, too.

This could also be shortened:
Fee flinched when the Hat shouted, having failed to realize its voice would sound louder when it was on her head instead of three metres away on somebody else's head. The reader can put information together, and really only needs to be given something like Fee flinched when the Hat shouted, its voice much louder from atop her own head.

Tom Riddle smiling in a friendly way? It's so hard to imagine! I know he's still a little boy here, but--although it was just in the movie, I'm sure JKR had some input--the scene where Dumbledore goes to visit him at the Orphanage is chilling. He's a quiet, malicious, unhappy and arrogant little boy. I wonder if we get to see more of this in later chapters? Right now he just seems like any other kid at Hogwarts--or maybe that's the point? I'm quite interested indeed!

Since I can't not talk about OCs in reviews, I have to mention Fee. I like her, I really do. But she's got some points racking up against her in terms of Mary Sue-dom. She's American, an orphan, opinionated, beautiful (at least if she looks anything like the gorgeous Keira Knighley :D), extremely logical for an eleven year-old, feisty, more ambitious than Salazar Slytherin, a heartbreaker, and possibly has the most evil Wizard of the twentieth century fall in love with her. Again, I think she's a complicated character with a lot of emotional depth, but these little artificial things that are pitted up against her may distort some readers' views of her. Maybe the OC workshop on the thread could help you sort things out. I really really hope this doesn't sound harsh, because with all of the research you've done with this story there is no way you didn't take time with creating her. I just want to help her be as realistic as possible--and of course, I am just one reader. Just one opinion. :3

Ooooh, so the letters are from her mother? Or maybe just this one. I like that you're ending each chapter with one of those, too. Nice!

I hope this review doesn't sound too harsh, with pointing out sentence structure and characterization and the like. It's just that this story has a lot of potential, and so I feel like I should critique accordingly because this could really be something great! :D

Author's Response: Hello again! :)

Thank you for pointing out those overlong sentences; I've gone back and corrected them, and while they weren't changed word for word to the examples you gave, I've edited them to make a little more sense. I'll certainly keep an eye out for those kinds of sentences. :)

You are indeed correct - Fee was a Hatstall so the Hat wanted to converse with her to judge her character so he could put her into the House that fitted her personality more. And thank you - I didn't want to put it into the narrative of the story, and she obviously already told Walburga, Alphard and Tom about it on the Hogwarts Express, so the Sorting Hat seemed like a natural choice for me.

Thank you so much! Especially Fee - at eleven years old, she didn't want to be a "posh toff", and now at eighteen she's in the very heart of the upper class wizarding society, and personally I love that contrast. But I digress.

Yes - Tom is indeed smiling in a friendly way! As we see in the books, Tom admits to always being able to charm the people he needed, and this is the beginning of that. Plus, he's happy at being able to leave the orphanage, so that would contribute towards it.

Some of the aspects of Fee's history that we see now are misconceptions made by the characters, and they'll be basically shredded in the course of the story. Also, I think I may need to edit the Sorting Hat's comment - he -thinks- he hasn't seen a more ambitious child at eleven -since- Slytherin, not more than him. Additionally, there are countless children who are ambitious, but those ambitions aren't evident at the age of eleven when the Hat Sorts them. I hope that made sense? :3 (Tom doesn't fall in -love- with her; as I mentioned in the last review, this story will adhere to canon.) Speaking of Keira, Fee isn't quite as beautiful as her, but she was the only actress I could think of who looked similar enough and had plenty of pictures. ^.^ I've used the OC Workshop thread for other OCs, but not with Fee simply because that would mean revealing her family history, which is a part of the plot - and yes, I did spend a lot of time creating her family and working out a way to incorporate her discovery of them into the story. I certainly understand what you mean though, and I'll keep an eye on that.

No, the letters aren't from her mother. Thanks - it's good to hear you like the letters!

Your review wasn't too harsh; it's completely understandable and I thank you for the critique - it was helpful and pointed out aspects of the story that I need to keep in mind while writing future chapters. Thank you! ♥

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