Hi, there! I thought I'd come take a look at your long story. There's something about stories that portray the Next Gen kids coming of age that always interest me. I'm more of a Hogwarts/post-Hogwarts reader generally, but I always see so much of the canon characters reflected in the way that people write these kids. It's fascinating.
I felt like you plucked Albus, Rose and James right out of the final scene in the epilogue of Deathly Hallows and just kept right on going with the story. While Albus felt better about things after the chat with his father on the train platform, I'm sure that wasn't the end of his anxieties. He's still worried sick that he might wind up in Slytherin. And looming almost as large in the background, he seems very worried about whether anyone will care about Albus Potter except to the extent that he's Harry Potter's son.
Rose came across like her mother's daughter with a dose of Weasley looks thrown in. I really hope that a little more of her father emerges as the story wears on, because I've always loved the idea of her inheriting some of his cheek along with her mother's brains. She obviously did take her father's words to heart where Scorpius is concerned. Let's hope she can get past that sooner or later.
Poor Scorpius seems like he's led a difficult life up to this point. Your slight non-canonality of having Pansy be his mother puts a bit of a different twist on things because she's a known commodity whereas Astoria is a blank slate. The falling-out between her and Draco helped to define who Draco is in your mind, or at least who he has become. I think he's going to be a very interesting character in this, given his apparent change of heart.
Suggestions? Well, I think the obvious one is formatting. Right now you have so much space between your paragraphs that this relatively short chapter is probably 30 screens long. For me, at least, it made it a little harder to get into the flow of the story. I know the HPFF editor can be a challenge, but if you try editing it in the Simple Editor, I think you can get the spacing under control. Beyond that, I thought you went a little heavy on the back story material in a couple of places. I could understand explaining the game of Quidditch, for instance, if this was targeted toward people who had never read any of the HP books. But in context, it felt a little excessive.
Overall, though, I thought your writing was really good. Everything was structurally sound and I didn't see any typos or grammatical problems. Your descriptions made it really easy to visualize what was going on, and I didn't see anything that felt inconsistent. Actually, one tiny thing: at least in the era of the books, a Galleon was supposed to be worth about £5 or US$10, so Scorpius bought about £25 or US$50 worth of stuff from the snack trolley, then Albus bought more. That would be quite a feed. ;)
I really enjoyed this. You presented Albus and Scorpius in a really warm, engaging way that built on the things they have in common to lay a good foundation for them becoming friends. Good job!
Author's Response: Hello!
*Fangirls* Welcome to my first ever fanfic, its nice to see you visiting! I always enjoy Next Generation stories but I really love to read about the kids being younger. Its really interesting to see how people have their characters and what sort of stories they make up.
Which brings me to this! Yay. To be honest, when I wrote this I had just literally finished reading the Deathly Hallows for the third (?) time and that might be why the characters are so similar. I'd wanted to know what happened next and played off of what I'd gathered from the Epilogue to make this chapter.
Albus of course is nervous about the expectations of everyone else. He doesn't quite seem to know who he is and he doesn't want to be compared as "Just Harry Potter's son", its always been a sore spot for him.
No worries for Rose, she'll have her moments of cheek. I didn't want her to be exactly like Hermione but I didn't really play on her character too much in this chapter. I do later on and she's pretty awful for Albus and the rest. She can't seem to stop talking! :D
She doesn't get past the thing with Scorpius at all. But it mostly has something to do with his personality, more than him being a Malfoy and if you read on, you'll probably see why.
He's got a potty mouth.
Oh, yes, Scorpius has had it a little rough. With his family having that stigma around them and his parents having split up, he's had alot to deal with. I had honestly not looked up the fact that Draco had married Astoria until later, when I'd already had this updated. It would have felt wrong to change it and so I left it alone and plus, it worked out on its own, as I'd wanted to play on Draco and Pansy's relationship anyway. As for Astoria Greengrass...she's mentioned but not a central part to this story. :D
I think most people describe Scorpius as "Moody" and "awful" but sure, he's interesting! *Pulls at collar nervously*
Anyhoo, with the formatting, I KNOW I need to change. I've been so busy that I completely forgot but thank you for reminding me, I'll most likely get to that really soon! It really bugs me to read! D':
And as for me mentioning things, I'd wanted to play on JK's power of reminding us all what was what in little details. But I thankfully toned it down later on because I saw what you meant by the third chapter for the information as being too much. :D Or did I? Hm.
Ooh, thanks for the compliment! I'm not nearly as confident as I should be with my writing so this means alot! >_<
As for grammar and typos: Expect more of each and here's one to look out for: Because of a typo and my laziness, I spell Scorpius's name Scorpious but will most likely change it by the time I make a sequel to this. I'm just lazy and don't feel like going through the entire story and correcting it. Shame on me, I know. Hehehehe. Ooops.
Whoa, I had no idea that the kids actually bought that much candy! Goodness, that's alot! I'm sort of jealous. But I should have given them stomach aches if I'd known! Darn.
Then again, I torture them enough as this story goes on so I think I win either way. >:D
Anyhoo, thanks for the lovely review, it means alot! Albus and Scorpius are loosely based on Ron and Harry so I thought I did a pretty good job on making them in this chapter. Thanks so much!