So! You helped His Pack of Four get to 100 reviews so I figured I should put your story to 10! And I love Fred/George Weasley stories. Either they make me laugh or cry! :S
Just so you know, I read and review as I go along.
The third paragraph, the one that begins with 'Althought' it felt like the first sentence was way too wordy. It could've easily be broken after the word 'here. I only mention this because right after it you have a very short sentence. It messes with the flow. I'm very guilty of that myself, and it has been pointed out to me as well...just passing on tips I've gotten. XD
I really like the emotions you had here. It made me feel really, really sad for George. And your story just made me realize something which seems rather silly to not have figured this out earlier...but George losing his ear was a foreshadowing of Fred's death. Anyway! I loved the struggle George had with his feelings. He's not even sure how he feels himself!
The paragraph that begins with "If you want to wait until some other time"--its one whole sentence. You could definitely break it a bit where it won't feel too wordy.
I like how you made Oliver change a bit after the war. The shortness of temper was a very nice touch. Some post-war fics don't touch on the re-building of the people's lives. They go straight from the war to being happy go lucky. That doesn't fly well with me. So kudos to you for keeping the emotions real here.
'Oliver said and George felt a spark of worry'So George just suddenly got worried? Shouldn't he, since he's in love, be worried to begin with. Yeah, he might not wish to see her but a human emotion regarding someone you care about is worry when things are not right with them, you know. This was the only instance where George's feelings didn't make sense; you managed to capture them in the rest of the chapter though.
OMG! George has a girlfriend? How rude of him! :O Why? Why is he dating her? She sounds like the person that stands against what George was raised to believe. Anyway! So another thing that stood out...they've been dating for 'the past year'. The war happened 'a year ago.' George started to date immediately after the war...which doesn't seem right, specially after losing his other half.
I absolutely love the end! I mean, poor George...confused of his own feelings and at the same time afraid of them. I guess I'm gonna have to put 'This is Angelina' in my to-read list! I want to know more about this!
Anyway, overall this was a great one-shot. You managed to capture emotions very well. Including the characterization George has. Poor broken guy! The only thing I would recommend is breaking some sentences up a bit to give it a better flow. Other than that...I guess that's it! I hope what I pointed out doesn't upset you or anything :( You have a great story that can only get better, you know.
Until next time, Gabby!!
Author's Response: Hello!
*Fangirls* Gasp! Thanks so much for stopping by with a review for me and congrats on His Pack of Four on making a hundred! *Tosses confetti* That's great news! :3
Bwhaha, I'm guilty of making really short sentences and I'll take a look at it. I edit alot but I still make a million mistakes and someone's always pointing out some helpful tips. I never have time to do as much as I would like on editing and I'm lazy, so forgive me. Hahaha.
I'm glad that you were able to really connect with George, no matter how sad it was. It took me such a long time to get what I wanted for him, he's a really hard character to write for. Sometimes, I sort of hate him even while I love him. Its a strange relationship, I tell you. :D
Eerie thing you pointed out about his ear though, I never paid attention to that! D':
Ah. More breaks, you say? I shall get to that eventually!
Ooh, I know what you mean. I don't believe that everyone was so happy and without issues after the War. I had to make everyone different and effected in their own way and I'm glad that you were able to pick up on that. War is an awful thing, it leaves alot of physical and mental scars! D':
I think on that line you were talking about, George hasn't felt anything in a long time so feeling actual worry sort of threw him off. But I don't think I wrote it as well as I should have, so thanks for pointing it out! :D
Yeah, George has a girlfriend! Like, since when did we break up?! Hahaha. Its strange how many people comment on Natasha and how much they don't like her. But yes, he dated her a little while after the War ended and I think I go into it a little more in This is Angelina. Loneliness might have had alot to do with it but he says more in that story and it really isn't romantic so much as depressing. :(
Thanks for loving that ending! I wasn't sure if I should end it there or not but was like, "If I keep writing, it'll go on forever." and so, thanks alot for enjoying it! George's feelings are so twisted and confused, you might not like him too much in This is Angelina but if you ever have the time, enjoy that! It would please me. :D
Oh, no, your CC's don't bother me! I like nice CC's, some people can be a little too mean when they're offering "advice" hahaha. To each their own, I suppose.
Thanks for liking this! It means alot and I'll see you around and see if I can get to correcting some of those sentences. Eventually.
See you on the forums!