Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Aphoride says:
Hey there, I'm back again with the second review! :) So happy to read this chapter - again, barely any noticeable mistakes (a typo somewhere, but I forgot - sorry!) and the flow is, again, excellent. Seriously, there isn't really anything that you could improve in this - it's fabulous.

And Lily... bahaha... I know I shouldn't laugh, but she did kind of ask for it, in a way. She knew it was coming all along and she really should have predicted that James was likely to react like that, you know? I mean, it's James, lol. Speaking of him, I thought he was brilliant - just watch out of making him too perfect, you know? You talk about how his marks were only just behind hers in excellence, etc. and it's a little in danger of heading into Gary Stu territory. I know it's James/Lily, so there's always a certain element of that, but it's just something to be aware of. That being said, I love how you characterise him - you mentioned him 'hanging Snape on a tree' which made me laugh (seriously, I'm glad I'm alone. I would have looked weird), and mention fart jokes and throwing food at people. You made him pretty teenage-boy-ish, which so often people forget to include. I love how you have her friends not being perfect as well, being somewhat vicious and malicious, even if they don't really mean it like that. Again, it's so true to life about some friendships and it's an element which is never really included in fanfiction, which makes this even more original ;)

The only thing I did notice which was wrong was that you said Armando Dippet was Headmaster - he was actually dead/retired at this point (at any rate, definitely not Headmaster) because Dumbledore became Headmaster before Remus arrives at Hogwarts ;) Pretty easy to change, though, so don't worry about it! The only other thing - I just remembered! - that I wasn't sure about was the 'crowd' wolf-whistling at James and Lily. I'm just not sure that that many people would be that interested in the two of them getting together, however publicised her rejections of him have been in the background of this, you know? Maybe a few students would wolf-whistle, but I don't think that many would stand and watch or be that interested... it just doesn't fit with my experiences of school at all, but, hey, it's more of a personal preference than anything, so again don't worry about it ;) I just thought I'd mention it since I thought it was a bit odd.

I'm really curious as to how the other Marauders are going to fit into this (don't forget Peter, of course! He's not 'evil' yet, as far as canon goes) - how Sirius and Remus and Peter will react to Lily hanging around them (because presumably she will) and what will happen about her friends not telling her the results of the equation. I like how you told us the results at the beginning as well, without leaving it to the end. We all knew what it was going to be, generally speaking, so it's great that you haven't tried to create suspense where there isn't really any and have instead gone for a different route. It's going to make this so much more interesting!

I really enjoyed reading this story and I hope you don't think any comments I made were too harsh - I really just wanted to give you my opinion on it, so please just take it as that and nothing else! :) You're really off to a brilliant start with this story, such a good idea and a nice, smooth style. Really enjoyed it!

Aph xx

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 396
Submit Report: