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Review:cypress says:
Hey there. cypress here with your requested review. Terribly sorry it took so long to get around to it. Things got rather busy in my off-line life. But anyway, I finally made it!

Now, as to your story - I think it's definitely a very creative premise. If you go back and edit, I highly recommend fixing the spacing so that there is only one space between each paragraph. I also found some typos, but I'm not going to point them all out. Just a tip for proofreading, I find that I catch pretty much all of my own mistakes by reading my story aloud to myself. It was a trick I learned years ago that has been super helpful for me.

As far as the content - I see what you were trying to do breaking up the story the way you did, passing back and forth between the present and the past. I think, though, that because your sections were so short and passed back and forth so quickly, it sometimes made the story difficult to follow. We don't get very many details, like who amber's father is or who the other players are right at the beginning, so when you switch quickly to a brand new section and introduce a whole new set of questions and mysteries, that can make things a bit convoluted.

I like that you wanted to keep the reader guessing, and I don't think you should change that, but I recommend being very selective about what you keep us guessing about. If you throw too much unexplained stuff at us at once, it has the potential to get a bit overwhelming. Maybe keeping the reason she's getting married to James, and the fact that the grim reaper is involved, would be a good thing to keep hidden and then reveal at the end, or you could choose something else, but the rest, more explanation would help keep the story going and interesting throughout.

I think you could definitely expand the story if you wanted to, but if you do, keep in mind what you want the resolution to be - is it a question of striking a new deal with Death? Might it look like she's going to fail to produce an heir and do they have to try and trick Death? Is Death not really that important and is this more a love story that ends up with some resolution one way or the other? Not that you have to know how your story will definitely end, but have a trajectory in mind, and that will help you moving forward. You have a lot of different things you could do, so I recommend that you think about it and pick one ultimate direction, even if you include other plot points along the way.

Finally, you asked about characterization. One thing I think you can use to improve your characterization is your dialogue. Death/the Grim Reaper doesn't feel very creepy to me. He seems almost comical. If that's what you were going for, I think a bit more situational humour or some funny descriptions would help lighten the mood, but if you were going for a more serious ominous tone, I think you could stand to darken up the dialogue. He also seemed like a pretty chatty-Cathy for someone so "grim". I wonder why it was him that explained everything directly to the girls while Harry said absolutely nothing and Draco sort of stood by? Why wouldn't it be Draco explaining it to the girls? Would he have tried insisting? And why was Harry doing nothing at all? Was he in on it, or was he as unhappy as the rest of them? Even if he stays silent, I was wondering what his reaction to all of it was.

Also, describing grim reaper as a ghost sort of gave me the impression that he -was- a ghost, which confused me at first. Have you thought about trying to describe him more generally - "A dark presence," "a hooded figure," "something sinister lurking in the shadows." I don't know - stuff like that?

As far as the others, I think it's important when writing dialogue to think about who is saying the words. If they're pureblood, have they been brought up to speak properly? Have they been trained to think they're better than other people? If so, does that come across in the dialogue? -How- a character says something is just as important as what they say when you're trying to give the reader an idea of who they are as a person.

Finally, I think did a good job starting to characterize Violet and give her a sort of different personality from Amber when you told us that she takes charge, but I would like you to do that more with your other characters and also do that more with Violet. Give us a flavour of who these people are and what makes them different from one another. That'll help us get to know them and distinguish them in our heads.

Anyway, that's all the ideas I have for you right now. I do hope this has been helpful. Like I said, I think your plot is really different and imaginative, and you're clearly very creative, so don't let my suggestions discourage you! You're doing really well. Just keep on writing. Everything else is just details. :)


Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review!!

I am trying to get up all of the characters and in their skins but at the very moment it's hard since it was only the 1st chapter.

Hope I didn't overload you w characters.

Im glad you liked the suspense!

Your suggestions really helped me and I tried to incorporate it in the next chapter :P

Thank you soo much!

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