Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:cypress says:
Hey, dear. So sorry for taking so long to get to your requested review. I'm afraid things got extremely busy in my offline life. Anyway, on to the chapter, yes? :D

So, first of all, I really liked getting glimpses of Jack in his every day life, but I think what I would have liked is a little bit 'more'. While I was reading him in Madame Malkin's, I was wondering why he was there. Is he trying to fit in with wizards? Is this a usual thing that vampires do - just shop in regular wizard/muggle shops and pretend they aren't vampires? Just a little bit of background to give us a sense about his "culture" would have helped flesh out the first part.

As far as the second, I liked his interaction with the witches. It was fun to see the struggle there and the tension between the two worlds. I liked how you described the hostel as "contributing to the landscape of the city with the picturesque mold patterns of its exterior" and I thought "In the name of the Fae" was really clever.

I did notice that some of your non-dialogue sentences got a bit long. Personally, I find that when you're writing humour, it's usually best to stick to shorter sentences, because otherwise, it's easier for the reader to lose the point. Basically, one punchline per sentence would be my rule of thumb. "By the end, Jack's lips had completely cramped up from trying to hide the inch-long fangs underneath and he had rushed out of the store with little on his mind except the possible ethical implications of tearing somebody's throat out." You could break that up into two sentences by removing the "and" in the center, and I think that would make that sentence more readable and the pair of clauses funnier. Like, the idea of his lips cramping up is funny, and so is him rushing out with nothing on his mind but the idea of the 'ethical implications," but it basically took too long for me to realize you were saying more than one thing in that sentence. There are other places where you could break up your sentences, but that's just one example.

I think the only other thing I would suggest is making the girls' change in attitude from giggling idiots to actually worried and running off scared more pronounced. It was really subtle at the end, but I would have liked to actually -see- the smiles slowly fade and the eyes widen as the realization hits them that this guy might actually be dangerous. And I'd also like to know at what point that happens. What triggers that realization?

Overall, I thought it was very clever and imaginative, and I like that you clearly brought in your own humour a lot more. I hope that the suggestions I made make sense and are helpful, but if you have any questions, feel free to PM me on the forums.


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 700
Submit Report: