Hello again :)
I loved how you started this chapter. You really hit home as to how bad her lot is at the minute and why she's doing what she is and gave some good descriptions. It made me smile when you said she'd been hanging around the burger place hoping to see Percy! Kinda sweet.
Why's that man wearing a dress? This made me laugh! I like how you have all this coming from a muggle's perspective. Percy drunk was quite funny to see - he's a lot more forward when he's drunk! I love what you've done with Percy through this - he's a lot like JK's, still snobby and all, but he's obviously a bit messed up and... darker I think. I think what you've done is right though as he's inevitably still struggling with Fred's death *sob*.
The conversation between them in her apartment was great. Flirty and funny but with Percy's problem there's obviously more to find out. I like how your building it up, it's great to read!
Oh the remote and TV. Hilarious! When she told him it was magic and he laughed at her I was giggling too. Like I said before, this is so fun to read in a Muggle's perspective and I look forward to reading more lines like that!
Just a couple of line I thought could maybe be edited but feel free to ignore me if you disagree:
'He had made her an offer to get her bills paid and she would rather drop dead than have that body over hers. But her attitude would get her into trouble soon if she weren’t careful but her attitude was the only thing she had left, there was no one in her life that would help her or want to make her life better.' The first sentence doesn’t sound right with the 'and' in joining it. I think maybe something like 'but' might work better. The second sentence sounded okay but you just repeated 'but her attitude' twice and I think it could be two sentences. I could see the point you were trying to get across but it took me a couple of reads to get it. Something like: 'He'd made her an offer to get all her bills paid, but she knew she would rather drop dead than have his disgusting body over hers. She also knew that attitude would get her into trouble soon if she wasn't careful but her attitude was the only thing she had left. There was no one in her life that would help her or want to make her life better.' Still perhaps not perfect but I hope you get what I mean :)
'But that thought made her embarrassed to remember that she’d been with Percy Weasley for a while, practically salivating at the thought of having him. And then wanting to know him only to be rejected.' I think you could make this one sentence with a bit of editing, the second sentence seems a bit short. 'But that thought made her embarrassed to remember that she'd been with Percy Weasley for a while, wanting to know him and practically salivating at the thought of having him, only to be rejected.'
'continued on his way, stumbling, "Hey, wait a minute! You’re not well!"' The only thing with this is I thought it was Percy speaking to start with as you were describing him. I think you might just need 'she shouted after him' or something before her line.
'Audrey watched in alarm as he stood up with the book and set his bowl off his lap, where it had nearly sent it flying.' I just got a bit confused with this sentence - maybe there's too many 'it's'?
They are just a couple of tiny edits though. Honestly, this is a great story and really fun to read! I look forward to more!
Author's Response: Hello!
Welcome back! I wasn't expecting another review from you for a while. Oh, how lovely!
I think I might continue showing how hard Audrey has it with her life as I continue going, but introducing Percy in her life shows a bit of hope. I really like playing around with that, her days get better and better with him, but her real life starts to take a darker turn. At least, that's what i'm going for anyway, with Percy being the way he is, you can't help but wonder if he's not the darker things going wrong. Or something. :D
Anyway, Percy is pretty different. He's alot daker than some of my other characters and its such a strange thing because we're not used to seeing it. It was really hard for me to write but no one ever talks about how he felt about Fred's death. I thought it was slightly unfair so I thought I'd play around with it a bit better, I mean, Fred's gone and it effected everyone. Not just my precious Georgie and the rest.
Anyhoo, I love the scene at her apartment! Hahah. It was incredibly awkward but funny, as their conversations weren't really expected from me, personally. I just sort of went with the flow and it turned out pretty darn good! :D
Thank goodness. D':
And isn't if fun for Audrey to be a Muggle? I have so much fun toying around with that!
Oooh, now that I look at those sentences, they do need to be edited but I think I have already on my drive. Right? I'll most likely update the edited chapter soon but thank goodness you pointed these out to me! I don't edit as much as I should, its sort of a bad habit but this has helped me out alot! Thank you! :D *Hands fat kitten*
Much love and feel free to stop by whenever!