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Review:SilentConfession says:
Hi, i'm here for your requested review!

Concerning you request about interest. I think this potentially could be a really different story. However, i'm really curious to know more about the people she sees and hope that you continue to explore the difference between her ghosts and the ones who choose their feeble interpretation of life (ghosts at Hogwarts for example, that is how Nearly Headless describes them). I think there is a line perhaps that could be drawn but I think you need to make it clear at some point because when people chose to be a ghosts in HP it is typically because they are afraid of death or they are strongly connected to the place they haunt (Mrytle). With that you can say that they are holding onto something like Mrytle was holding onto her death, her unfair treatment in life etc. I think it could work your way but i think you will need to make the line more distinct. (does this make an sense? feel free to PM me if you have questions because it's late and I'm jet legged so i'm not sure if i'm writing coherent sentences).

Sorry, I think I went on a bit of a rant there. Other points of interest with this is that there are mild hints of a more adventure type story. Not many but with the summary and with the abnormal gift I can only think that it will all mean something for later on. You also seem to have a grasp on your characters and show that in their actions. Rose's weird fascination with Divination (poor Hermione) and Ellie's sarcasm. I think this is a good base to start with.

I'm not against tired plot uses like the love/hate or hate/hate love dynamics and cliches which is probably what is going to happen in this story. They can still be done in effective ways but just be sure to make this one yours and not like everyone else's. What are the reasons they don't like each other? If she is so close to her twin then i'm sure in any normal situation she'd (or Albus for that matter) would have tried to get along with best friend of twin. It would take something for them to dislike each other. I'm interested to see their dynamics flesh out.

I think there is a bit of a problem with dialogue. Not that it isn't believable or anything but there are segments when it is just them talking without much description. A good balance between the two can make a story feel very rounded and description does make the reader feel the story and want to read the story more because they can see what is happening. I always imagine it as movie scenes in my head and try to describe my characters actions, emotions, and how others react to my characters. Things like that, it not only helps the reader imagine your world but it also helps characterize your characters and make them stronger and easier to relate to because each person has their own set of habits and quirks.

I do like your characters already, don't get me wrong and they were interesting to read about. Which is a great way to start a story. You want people to be invested in your characters lives and how they turn out. I think they could become very dynamic the more we learn about them so great job with that! Don't think the story is boring because I think it could turn into something, try and plan out the next few chapters out a little, see where you're planning on taking this story perhaps and maybe you can find your muse that way. Or take a break until it comes back (they always seem to disappear in the most annoying of times don't they?)

Thank you for requesting me, I hope you found this review helpful and that i answered your questions satisfactory.

Author's Response: Sorry for the delayed response! I'm terrible at replying!

Yes, I most certainly want to continue exploring the concept of ghosts I've set up here. It's such a large part of Ellie's life, and seems like a plot device with quite a lot of potential (aka: I enjoy writing about it) that I wanna keep going with it!

I really, really, really wanna make this into an adventure story! I usually write fluff pieces with a lack of plot, but I really wanna write something with some plot backbone and action and adventure! I mean, all my favourite series at the moment are jammed-packed with action and it would be totally awesome if I could take this opportunity at trying something new and different! And thank you about Rose and Ellie - I wasn't sure if Ellie was just too sarcastic and Rose's weird thing with Divination just too weird (I agree - poor Hermione, indeed!)

And thank you on the advice about tired plot devices. I completely agree - the plot device that I'm using is so overdone that even I hate it sometimes, but I've always wanted to write one, because I find cliches fun, but I will definitely keep your points in mind - they are very good and very pertinent and very appreciated (and yes, Albus and Ellie's dynamics are... or will get interesting)!

Ah, dialogue! You're right, once again. I become a veritable Scrooge with description when I begin writing chunks of dialogue. I, too, see a movie in my head, and I usually forget that other people can't see what I see without me actually describing it to them!

And yay! You liked my characters! I agree, it's important that readers connect with your characters, otherwise the story can get very, very boring, very, very fast. And thank you for the writer's block advice! It's very helpful - I think I might just go do that, and see what happens!

I hope the jet lag wasn't too horrible and don't worry, your sentences were perfectly coherent! And your review was amazingly helpful! Thank you so much for spending your time on this!


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