Hello again, here for your requested review!
To be honest, I didn't expect for the story to go in this direction xP
Jack seems sort of a badass, but not too much, and he definitely makes me chuckle quite a lot! I am liking how you're characterising him, though I think it would have been better if you had developed his character a little more than you did in this chapter.
In the first chapter, we got to know him quite some, and yet not enough. So, I was expecting to get to know him a little more as I move on further in the story, but I was a tad disappointed to see not much of character development.
Don't worry though, it's not that much of a major issue =) I am sure you can develop him in the further chapters, at your own comfortable pace. I think it is just me who likes character developments to happen with each chapter, but some writers prefer taking it slow, so it's okay.
Anyway, as I was saying, I like how you've crafted him over all, and I liked the small information we got on him - about him being 60 years old and being able to hypnotize muggles and all.
The inclusion of the girls was clever as it gave you a way to reveal a tad bit more about Jack, and at the same, give the chapter its humorous edge.
The writing style was balanced in this one too, and I should say you're doing pretty good, so keep it that way throughout the story :) This flowed well too, though the transition from Madam Malkin's to the Youth Hostel seemed a tad abrupt, but since you put in the three asterixes, it was okay. I'd suggest though (for future) to not end a segment with a dialogue as that is what tends to make the transition from one segment to another sound a little abrupt. If one segment ends in description, and the other begins in description as well, it works much better.
The grammar was fine in this chapter as well, I didn't spot any big errors or anything, though again I'd suggest toning down the use of the "..." (three dots). Also, I spotted a tiny mistake here:
“…In a way, yes.” Jack sighed...
In that sentence, there should actually be a comma after "yes" and not a period. I don't think you've made such mistakes anywhere else, so I think it must have been a typo, but I still suggest giving this a quick re-read and fixing any such errors you see :)
Apart from that, I liked this chapter a lot too. I was pleased to see some more description and detail in this chapter as compared to the previous one, like when you described the Youth Hostel. That was quite good :)
The manner in which you portrayed a little of Jack's "thirst" and his efforts to not reveal his vampirism was well-written - funny yet serious in a way at the same time. I laughed out loud at his interaction with the girls though, poor bloke, lol.
I think you ended this on a fine note, intriguing in a way, which definitely makes the readers want to read further so good job.
One thing though, I don't know whether I was being a little dim-witted or not, but I couldn't really understand if Jack worked at the Youth Hostel or he was staying there as a guest, very clearly. I am inclined to think that he works there, but your descriptions didn't make it quite clear (either that or I am being dim-witted). If you think you made it quite clear (and only I couldn't get it), no need to worry, but otherwise I'd suggest trying to be a little more clear and precise in your narrative so readers can understand the aspects of the story clearly.
Apart from that, this made for another great read. You've got a pretty nice story going and do keep writing.
I hope my reviews were a little helpful, or if not, at least you liked them =P
Feel free to re-request!
Author's Response: Hey again :D
Hm, you make a great point about not ending segments in dialogue. I've never thought about it this way, but of course you are right, that does contribute to the abruptness of the transition! I'm a film student, and in film we often cut a scene in the middle of dialogue because that adds more significance the what is said, sort of like comic pause in trailers ;). The written word, though, has a completely different language of flow and connectedness, so I do need to make sure I adjust the way I visualize my story to fit the opportunities that narrative and description offer. Thank you for pointing this out!
As to Jack's character development, I've had to take it slow for several reasons. One is what I mentioned in my reply for chapter 1, namely the need to explain things. I'm two chapters in and I still havn't set up everything I need to set up. Since the story is mainly a "what if", I decided to go into explaining what it is to be a vampire in the wizarding world before really delving into who Jack is. I think that it would be easier for the reader to understand him if we know the extent of his abilities and everyday obstacles. A tad bit more character development in scheduled for chapter 3, though ;)
I'm glad you liked the inclusion of the girls. I was afraid it might seem either forced or superficial, but I decided to keep the part anyways because I just enjoyed writing it so much. Besides, I felt it let us get to know Jack a bit better while also being a great way to sneak in some exposition, hehe.
Thank you for the reviews, they did indeed help very much! If you don't mind, I think I will re-request once ch. 3 is up.