Here for your requested review!
Well, to be honest, I am a bit wary when it comes to reading such "extraordinary" stories in HP fanfiction, dealing with vampires and such, but needless to say, you have cleared all my doubts.
This seems to be pretty different from the usual cliche portrayal of vampires, even in the HP universe (of fanfiction), and I enjoyed it.
You asked me to "leave the sandwich" and "give you the meat", but frankly, I dont have much critique to give you, because well, I liked this a lot and didn't see any major issues on which I can give you CC xD
Anyway, Let me begin talking about your concerns now :)
Firstly, your characterisations, in my opinion, were pretty good! Jack the vampire was pretty fun to read - his portrayal as a vampire was spot-on, and you gave him that humorous edge too. I liked how he was trying to "fit in" with the protesting creatures, and then got angry and began protesting against the protest, haha. The way he made his exit was pretty cool. I love that he can turn into a bat xP I loved the inclusion of the Ogre and the house-elf, and the way you showed their characters - again it was quite spot-on, and very funny too, in a good way :) So, I liked all your characters over all so far, and the information you gave on them didn't seem to be too much for a first chapter, and wasn't too little either, particularly about Jack, which was good.
As for your writing style, I am enjoying it. Even though this is a humorous story, you've maintained a serious narrative and given it that added humour effect - maintaining the right balance - which is perfect. Some writers incorporate humour directly in their narrative (adopting a silly, over-the-top funny writing style) and I detest that, so I am glad you didn't do anything of that sort, and wrote this like a normal story :) The narrative flowed smoothly, and the pace and structure was fitting as well. So, you definitely get a thumbs up on your writing style and narrative!
Coming to the humour, I have already talked some about it before. You have succeeded in maintaining a balance with the humour, not taking it overboard and not making it non-humour either. It is also quite witty, and not (thankfully) lame. The subtle indications towards it are well-placed, such as the interactions between Binky and Jack, and the Ogre and Jack. One of the many examples of what I liked (humour-wise) was this sentence - "He hadn’t realized that being part of the strongly aromatic herd of the wizarding world’s most disenfranchised, gutter-dwelling underdogs required an elite membership card." - it made me chuckle xD
Next, your descriptions are brilliant. They are simple and comprehensive, yet of a good writing quality. They are captivating enough to keep the reader interested in the story, at least in my opinion. I would suggest using a little more imagery though, if you can, in your descriptions as it will give an even better effect to your already-stable narrative. For instance, explain certain scenes, appearances, emotions etc. using little more "visual" devices if you get what I mean. Some more detail, more vividness, in some scenes is always good. For instance the scene where Jack turns into a bat and flies away, more detail would have made the scene much more surreal and appealing. Like that, if you give the flavour of imagery and detail to certain nice scenes throughout your writing, it will add to its value. That's just a little suggestion though :)
Finally, the grammar, I was pleased to see, was near-perfect (a rarity in fanfictions really). Your sentence phrasings, punctuations, tenses etc. seemed all quite in order to me, so good job there. I'd like to give a little piece of advice though, to remove the "..." in your writing. It makes the writing seem so much more informal and in a way moves away from the otherwise good grammar maintenance. Instead, I'd suggest using single periods [.] or semi-colons [;] depending on the sentence requirement. Apart from that, your grammar was quite okay.
So, wrapping things up, I'd like to say that this seems to be a very nice and different story, and I like the way you have set the plot in this first opening chapter. Your characters seem pretty fleshed out, humour is balanced, grammar is fine, descriptions are more or less okay, and your narrative with its smooth flow and suited pace is well-written.
I liked reading this chapter quite a lot, and apart from the few small points I've mentioned, I don't have much critique to give you. Good work!!
P.S. Since I have given a pretty much in-depth review of this chapter here, and your over all writing too, my review on the next chapter is likely to be shorter and less detailed - I hope that's okay!
Author's Response: Hey:)
I'm usually also quite reserved when it comes to over-the-top elements in fanfiction, because usually the topic never gets enough thematic depth due to,well, the fact that too much has to be explained and it either never is or that is ALL the story does. I was afraid my story might end up going in the same direction, because, well it's about vampires in an already complete world that doesn't really have vampires. I'm really happy that you seem to think I'm on the right path nevertheless :D:D
Thank you for your points on the humour! I was actually in doubt about whether I should add a quirkier narrative voice. But I have also never liked the manic OMG RANDOMNESS AND WEIRDNESS sort of style very much, so I was a bit torn about useing it. I personally prefer the type of humour that draws attention to absurdities while maintaining a connection to reality and for that, a serious tone is necessary. So you helped me make up my mind about this for good :D
As to descriptions, I will take your suggestions into account. This is something I've been working on (Well, trying to). I still can't seem to get the hand of when to add more detail and when less. I hate to slow down the narrative, so usually I settle for less.
You make a good point about the "..." Believe it or not, I used to use them even more before :P, but realized that they look and read rather awkwardly. As you see, old habits die hard, though. I think I use them because I feel they contribute to the rythm of the narrative. Ofcourse, there are other ways of doind such things, so thank you for reminding me!
And thank you for the review, it helped me gain some perspective on where I personally want the story to go :)