First, let me try and put the tiny pieces of my heart back together. Deep breaths. Phew Fredís death was one of the hardest Hogwarts era ones for me. Nothing can make me sadder than losing all my Marauders, but Fred is pretty damn close.
I think you made a very, very good decision with the second person. George is hard to pin down after Fredís death, I think. I wrote a one shot for a friend that showed the famly dealing with their grieving, and honestly my head canon with how they all handled it is very similar to yours. So that was a really pleasant surprise!
Back to the second person. So, considering you are doing this from Georgeís perspective, I donít think you could have gone with anything better than second person. With first person, you would have to cut out a lot of the deeper emotions that are really necessary for this, and third would have felt detached. But second really gave you room to show how completely broken George is. You said you were worried about the characterization, but I honestly think you did amazing job. I think you could have taken out a few of their one liners in the middle, and inserted something slower. Something like Fred and George just sitting together, George trying so hard not to let him go, before you bring him to that sense of peace he gets at the end.
Speaking of that, I LOVE that you did give him that sense of peace. This feeling that, even though it is so terrible and so hard, it will be okay.
I am really happy that you did decide to show a broken George. I donít like when his grieving is underplayed, I think itís so important to show that Fredís death really did crush George and you did that very well in this.
You have a few places where you forget to add the comma after the dialogue, and a few words that feel out of place. But not many at all, so I would just go back through it whenever you get time.
Honestly my only real suggestion, besides a quick read through, is to give us a more dramatic change between the banter between the boys, George needing to go back to give his speech and having to say goodbye to Fred. Like I said, I love that you added that sense of peace at the end. But I think before that some kind ofÖ break down.. almost, would feel right. When Fred is saying that he has to go, telling George what he needs to do... just adding a bit more in there where Fred really has to convince George that it will be okay, that he needs to be strong. Nothing huge, maybe just expand on George's pleading look before you bring us around to that feeling of peace.
This was very, very beautiful, mídear ♥
Author's Response: Hello :)
Thank you again for a great review!
Oh, I know how you feel. Fred's death was unexpected to me, most other characters I didn't want to die but I had almost prepared myself for but I was a totally heart broken by Freds!
I'm really glad you liked the use of second person. I did switch it a few times but in the end this was the only way that worked for me.
I'm also glad you liked that I showed George broken. I can't see how he would be anything but after losing his twin who he practically shared most of his life with. But we know in the future that he manages to get on with life and so on and I just liked the idea that Fred had helped him do that.
Thanks for the suggestion, as always I will go back over it when I have the chance. I really like that idea of him completely breaking down though, getting everything out that he's been bottling up. I will definitely try to add something like that in - thank you!
The one-shot you mentioned also sounds interesting, I will definitely have to check that out as soon as I get the chance!
Thanks again for an amazing review as always.