Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:academica says:
Hello Aditi! I'm here from Review Tag :)

First off, you have got to write some new stories! I think I've read almost everything on your page, and I like your writing, so I'd love to see more from you!

Okay, I can't help but point out a few cliches in this chapter. One is the idea of having a transfer student; I think that can work, especially since you haven't made Hermione insanely jealous of her right after the bat, but I would recommend taking out the part where she gets special treatment for her sorting. I was also a little put off by her interaction with Ron; it seems really odd for her to say that they met only a few minutes ago and already Ron is doting upon her. Sometimes it helps, especially when writing romance, to think about what sort of things happen in real life. Usually relationships take time, you know? :)

I think Hermione's thoughts about Draco would have better flow if you threaded them throughout the chapter instead of clustering them together like a mental battle. I half expected someone to walk into her, what with her standing there lost in thought ;)

I like the idea of the two points of view. I haven't read many Dramiones, but usually they seem to be one side or the other or an omniscient perspective. I like getting both characters' reactions to things.

Okay, more cliches to point out. Let me start by saying that there isn't anything inherently wrong with a cliche if it's executed well. After all, people must like to read or use them if they remained around long enough to become cliche, right? The key to making a cliche interesting, as well as making your story unique, is to provide plausible reasons for why things are the way they are. For example, you should provide a rationale for why the Head Boy and Girl are sharing quarters, given that boys and girls have separate quarters elsewhere in the dormitories. Why would Draco be selected for Head Boy, based on his past behavior? If you can address these questions as you tell the story, it will sound like you've really put thought into it, and the cliches will go down much smoother.

Also, be sure to keep an eye on your language. If Draco never said "dude" in canon, it seems unlikely that he would start saying it now. "Mate," maybe.

Finally, I'd advise you to take things slow. The whole section with Pansy seemed a little rushed to me. I think it would make more sense to have Draco sort of avoid her and think about how things didn't work out between them, rather than confront her right away. Also, I think her characterization would be improved if you tried to make her more three-dimensional. She could be more than a whiny brat, if you focused on the pain she must be feeling.

This is probably one of the more critical reviews I've written, but I'm sure you can handle it :) I recognize, too, that you probably wrote this chapter ages ago and haven't looked at it in a while. Hopefully these comments will be helpful if you want to go back and edit it at some point.

Good to tag you again!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hey Amanda!

Really, I love getting tagged by you, seeing as you're this amazingly brilliant writer and I love to know your thoughts.

I wrote this chapter ages and ages ago yeah, like when I was 13 years old, haha. I did edit it at some point (a few years back) but I guess it wasn't enough. This story does need a LOT of improvement. Sometimes, I shudder while reading my past chapters.

Thank you for pointing out all the cliches and points of improvement. I actually have a half a mind to delete this story (or abandon it maybe) but if I ever do think about going back and editing this, I'll surely check back on this review and use your helpful comments.

If I do delete this story though, I am afraid you'll run out of stories to review for me when/if you tag me, haha. Sadly, my muse doesn't appear very often, and thus I don't get to write a lot, but I'll try to write more stories, if just for your tagging benefit :P

And thank you so much for your critical review, I can definitely handle it, since I am quite critical myself of this novel as a whole anyway, especially the initial chapters. I value all your comments and I shall certainly take them into consideration if I ever do an edit (which is a little unlikely as I never have the time, and I will most likely end up abandoning this story).

But again, thanks a ton.

Cheers!


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 714
Submit Report: