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Review:UnluckyStar57 says:
Hi again!!

The second chapter was a lovely follow-up to the first. Mildred is one of those characters that you love to hate, and the contrast between her and Edie is amusing. I also loved the descriptions of gruntwork that Edie mentioned. They added a lot to her character and to Mr. Ward's idiocy.

The part where Mr. Ward called her in just to ask her to man the refreshment table was just mean. She really got her hopes up, and then they were thrown back into her face. Which created much amusement for me! It was a very well-timed scene. Kudos for that!

The only thing I would suggest for this chapter is that you continue to tighten up your syntax in a few places. Be on the lookout for run-on sentences and see where you can break them up so that the reader doesn't get confused. And sometimes, breaking up run-ons has a more powerful impact than just letting words run rampant. (Not that YOU did this; I'm just hyperbolizing.) In certain situations, I find it necessary for run-ons, but mostly (and I'll let you be your own judge on this) it's good to keep everything tight and punchy. This story has a really good tone and style, and with just a few minuscule tweaks, it can be really, really brilliant.

Good work on this second chapter!


Author's Response: Thanks so much! Another HPFF author, who I greatly admire, made a suggestion for brevity so I've been trying to work on that. I've yet to take her (and now yours, too!) advice and go back to edit preexisting chapters, but I definitely agree with you and appreciate that you pointed it out.

I've had mixed reviews about the scene with Mildred, so I'm glad/interested to hear that you actually liked it. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do with that scene, in the long run... although I have some silly Mildred-themed plans mapped out in my head ;D

Thank you again so very much!

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