|Review:||teh tarik says:|
Hello there :) teh tarik from the forums here with your requested review!
First of all, this story has one of the most detailed, most in-depth characterisation of Lupin on the archives. In this opening chapter you've really gone deep into his perspective, and really examined his double-life (in all sense of the word) as a werewolf. This is fantastic detailed writing. You've juxtaposed the viewpoints of beast and human, and you've done it very convincingly - your human Lupin is a very realistic, anxious, somewhat introverted teenager. This is a wonderful contrast to the aggressive instinctual presence of the wolf. And despite the wolf being a powerful territorial beast and everything, it's still not invincible (as shown by its entrapment and its ability to feel threatened by other animals). There's still some fragile human part of it remaining, and I really loved it when this human voice emerged in its brain and stopped it from attacking the others.
This is just my personal preference and I don't expect you to take up on it...but i was wondering why you felt you had to italicise that entire chunk of text with Wolf's POV. It's very clear that a POV switch has occurred - as the narrative shifts from first person to a third person limited narrator. Not to mention that both narrative POVs are separated by a huge blank space in the middle :) Anyway, like I mentioned earlier: this is just my personal preference (I'm usually not fond of seeing large blocks of italicised text in a story xD). Anyway, it doesn't disrupt the flow of the story or anything so feel free to ignore this comment.
In your request you stated that you wished to "sharpen previous chapters" before finishing the story. I'm not sure what exactly you wish to sharpen; I'm going to assume that you mean to tighten things up in terms of focus, language, pacing and to have tenser action scenes. Or something :)
I think it's really really crucial to pay close attention to detail, especially to individual sentences. It's going to be quite a demanding task to go through the entire chapter sentence by sentence, but this will really enable you to have tighter control on your use of language, and can really heighten the tension of your writing.
Sentences like I had been so busy trying to think of things that I hated to keep the transformation from happening that I didnít even notice Professor McGonagall immobilize the tree for me. are somewhat awkward and really slows the flow of the narrative down. You might want to break them up or rephrase them so they become clearer and less obstructive to the flow.
Also, this sentence: I found out at a very young age that when I begin to think of the little things I hate the most, the shifting was prolonged for a small period of time.
Again this is rather clunky, and there is also some sort of inconsistency with the tenses. There are several other sentences like these throughout your prose; I would suggest some detailed editing as they can be pretty conspicuous sometimes. The best way to identify instances of awkward phrasing is to read your story aloud (bahaha this is always hugely unpopular advice, even for me :p).
With your dialogue bits, do be careful of repetitive phrases. E.g. the part with McGonagall, she doesn't seem to say much, except repeat the variations of the same phrase four times, i.e. "Mr. Lupin are you alright?" and "Mr. Lupin?" and "Mr. Lupin?" again etc. I think you could really tighten up your dialogue and eliminate some of the repetitive phrases so they don't slow down the pacing of the scene.
Additionally, when going through your piece again, check that your sentence lengths vary, that there are short and longer sentences next to each other and things aren't too uniform. It may not sound much, but sometimes the rhythm and flow of sentences can really hold a reader's attention.
Alright, well, I think this is all I've got. This really is a very fascinating character study of Lupin; his voice and his perspective are both very intriguing, and you've done a great job in portraying a conflicted, tormented character who will never be able to escape this state of his life. Great work! I'm so happy that you requested for this story and I do hope that my review is of some help to you :) Thanks for requesting!
Author's Response: Finally! I'm here to give you a proper response rather than a rushed one. Life's been getting in the way and all...
I'm glad that you liked my interpretation of Lupin! He's my favorite Marauder so I wanted to give him proper justice. The reason why I changed the font style is because that's how I was inspired by Carrie Vaughn's story. Her character tells the story in first POV but when she transforms into her werewolf form, the perspective changes as well as the font style. Since that's what inspired me, I decided to keep it. :)
I see what you mean. It does seem choppy...I'll definitely go back and take a second look through and see if I can smooth things out. Now that I've gotten a better feel of the story, I hope I can make the proper changes without feeling like re-writing the entire first chapter. Which would bite with already 5 chapters posted.
Argh, McGonagall...I was so afraid of giving her a speaking part. She's such a complex character that I thought I wouldn't give her enough "McGonagall-ism" if you know what I mean. However, I think I'll go ahead and give her more because you're right...I'm sure she would say more than just "Mr. Lupin."
Thank you so much for all the help you gave me!! Seriously! Maybe with your review I'll be able to really improve the previous chapters just before the story ends.
Until next time, teh!