|Review:||Courtney Dark says:|
Hello there! It's Courtney, here for your requested review:)
I will start by saying that I really like the idea for this story. Sirius Black is a very interesting character who is not explored an awful lot in the books-especially not during his teenage years, anyway. However, if this is supposed to be in his point of view, I would try making that a little more clear, if I were you. I got a little confused at times, about who was telling the story. Or, if you were aiming for this chapter to be a general point of view, make sure that each character gets an even amount of characterization, etc.
You are already beginning to develop your characters, which is great. I can see the James and Sirius which we know and love shining through already and the interactions between the two of them are just perfect! I think one of my favourite moments in this chapter was this: '“Sirius! I’m bloody wet”
“I know” Sirius beamed proudly grinning at James who'd given up, too tired and out of breath to catch him.'
I also liked everything that Sirius said about sleeping, especially the line: '“You know you’ve slept half your life. That’s a long time” I thought that line was very in character, and was a nice touch to the chapter.
I feel that this chapter is very rushed at times, which makes it a little confusing and disjointed. I think part of the reason for this is that there is a LOT of dialogue in this chapter and not a lot of imagery, details or specific descriptions. I know, I know-imagery is a very hard thing to get right. I personally struggle with it a lot, but it can really boost a story up to the next level. Even if, when the boys enter the Great Hall, you add a paragraph describing what they see and hear-that sort of thing. Descriptions really help the reader imagine the scene they are reading and put themselves in the characters shoes.
Another thing I liked about this chapter was when James and Sirius were talking about becoming Animagus. I've read a lot of Marauders era stories and I don't think a single one of them has mentioned that James and Sirius voluntarily turn into a stag and dog once a month, so I am looking forward to seeing where you go with this:)
I'm sorry I have to say this, but there are a lot of spelling mistakes (typos?) and grammar problems splattered throughout this chapter. I won't point all of them out, but some of the most distracting ones were 'Quiddittch' (should be Quidditch) 'Slytherine's' (should be Slytherin's) 'it didn't help me could hardly see' (I think is supposed to be it didn't help he could hardly see) and 'Mooney' (is Mooney.)
There are also some other things to remember, such as when a character is talking, the first word should always begin with a capital. This “you two, seriously?" should be "You two, seriously?" If I were you, I'd just reread the chapter and check for little mistakes like this-I'm sure most of them are probably typos:)
Anyway, grammar and spelling mistakes aside, I think you have a great start here, and I am excited to see where you are going to take this next!
Author's Response: Thank-you so much Courtney, your review has helped me so much.
I wasn't actually planning on doing a marauder story until i re-read the hp series and thought to myself that there isn't much about the marauder era and there are some missing gaps in Sirius's life that I want to know about... so why not write it!
The first chapter is really just a general view of everyone, but if it isn't working out then it'll be quite easy to edit it so its more clear so thank-you for pointing it out... I hadn't really thought much about that.
I'm in love with the Sirius/James relationship, I've always seen it as one of the strongest friendships to ever be written and I don't think they get much credit and i'm glad you like the quote :D Thank-you for telling me which bits you like most, it'll help me know what kind of things people will like to read :)
I've just gone over and edited the chapter, adding more imagery to help the readers along and not make it seem so rushed as you said.
The story is going to include how the marauders map was made, them becoming animagus's. Both of them I'm really excited to write about. I've also noticed how some people don't really mention them in their marauder stories which I find weird because I imagine it to be quite a key fact in their life.
Ah! spelling, my worst enemy. I'll go back over them and try to change them (notice the word try :P)
Thank-you for reviewing, your comments have really helped.