|Review:||Courtney Dark says:|
Hi there! Here I am, for your requested review:)
I have to say, I'm a HUGE fan of vampires, though you're right-we certainly don't see them a lot in the Harry Potter books, and when we do, we don't find out a lot about the type of vampires they are, which gives you a lot of room to play with.
I really like the idea of the story, and I am certainly interested to see where you are going to take it next. Your characterization of Jack so far is pretty good. He definitely seems like a...'not quite the norm' vampire, slightly cheeky and with a good sense of humour, which I love. I am hoping to see you develop him even more next chapter-I feel as though his characterization was hindered slightly in this chapter because of how many characters you introduced in a short space of time.
In saying that, I find the way you have written each different magical creature really interesting. I think my favourite creature (aside from Jack of course) had to be the Ogre. I liked the fact that he didn't believe Jack to be one of them-the 'simple folk' as he called them (nice touch by the way) and he was slightly bloodthirsty and ogre-ish, without becoming cliche or stereotypical. By the way, I loved this line: '“Aye, “The ogre confirmed from above. “Notin’ wrong wid good ol’ honest meat. But blud, tha’s… un-natural.” I don't know why, but it made me laugh:)
I'm not quite sure why but, as a whole, I find that this chapter is a LITTLE bit clunky and disjointed. Maybe this is because the chapter is mostly made up of the characters speaking to each other, which gets a little confusing at times and I feel as though Jack, your main character, gets a little...lost if that makes sense. Because this chapter is from his point of view, be sure to always have him at the forefront of the action. I think (and this is a very unprofessional opinion so feel free to ignore me) that that would really take your writing up another notch.
But overall, this is a very interesting chapter, different from anything else I've seen on this site, and I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes next.
Author's Response: Hey Courtney!
Thank you for coming by! It's wonderful that you like the idea of the story and Jack! I hope to be able to develope both further in the next chapters.
Among all the different interpretations I've gotten, almost everyone seemed to agree that the chapter seems a bit chaotic. I'm not sure why I didn't feel this myself when writing, but looking back, i do see it. I guess I wrote it this way because, if you've ever been part of a protesting crowd, you'll know it FEELS chaotic, haha.
I've already edited in some more descriptions of the surroundings to give some perspective. As to Jack, I'm thinking of including a few more sentences about his motivations in order to offer the reader a better idea of who he really is.
The chapter is probably beyond saving and will remain cluncky for ever, but I hope maybe a bit less so :)
Haha, yes the ogre...I really like him too and am even considering bringing him in later again. Actually, the protesters were thought up to make a one-time appearance, mostly for the sake of exposition:P
Thank you for the review!