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Review:MargaretLane says:
The part about Sirius's face having the audacity to float into her mind amused me for some reason, as does the detail about the other guy possibly being a toad in a former life.

Like that image about opposition to Voldemort being etched in Sirius's being like a map.

Hmm, I wonder why Remus looks so sad. Because his options will be limited when he leaves Hogwarts? Or something to do with the war?

And that comment about his rabbit attacking his grandmother was funny.

When Amelia is responding to Bertram's question as to what bird caught his eye this time, you've spelled her name as Ameliea.

*laughs at how the cards keep exploding on her*

The phrase "I laid ownership to him" sounds a bit awkward somehow. Something like "I claimed ownership of him" or even just "didn't mean he belonged to me" might sound better.

I think the paragraph where the main character is trying not to let anybody see how much the news about Samantha's family disappearing affects her really captures the atmosphere of the situation. Really shows how nervous people are and how they are trying to create some sort of normality in a situation that is anything but.

When she is talking about the Order having her back, she says "would they have my families too?" It should be "family's". The way you've written it makes it sound as if they have numerous families belonging to her.

Love the comment about the war being over by the summer. It reminds me of how World War I was supposed to be "over by Christmas". I guess people have to believe that it'll end soon or they could't go on.

And I like the way you raise the moral dilemma about whether or not ANYTHING justifies killing people and whether ANYTHING justifies war. All sides do evil in war, but then doing nothing means standing back and allowing evil to continue. There is no good option. I rarely see those issues explored, so it's really good to see it here.

While Binns is useless and doesn't seem to understand history himself (how can a HISTORY teacher dismiss myth? Before a certain point, myths are important historical sources), I totally disagree with her idea that history is not important. If you don't know how things have worked out in the past, then you are basically just sticking pins in lists to guess how they'll work out in the future. How can you know what political philosophies or other ideologies you agree with, if you don't know what has been tried in the past and what worked and what didn't? And I think there is a deeper side to it too; that we need to know that the world we live in is not the only way things can be or the best way things can be. We need to know that things have been different in the past in order to understand that they can be different in the future. And understanding that people in the past thought things were obviously true that were later proved not to be tells us that some of what we think obviously true probably isn't and therefore, we shouldn't be complacent.

Just floating off and ignoring her sounds pretty characteristic of Binns.

I really like the way you portray her despair as she steps out onto the platform. Very moving.

I think it's good it doesn't seem black and white to her. When you start looking at things as being black and white is when you start turning into Crouch. "We're the good guys; they're the bad guys. So whatever we do to them is justified." When you can see both sides of an issue, you're more likely to make good choices.

This sentence sounds kind of awkward for dialogue: "Even if I was duly impressed when he was able to scream loud enough when he tried to quiet the whole Great Hall for his studying purposes." People don't usually speak that formally. Something like "Even if I was impressed he could scream loudly enough to try and quiet the whole Great Hall so he could study" might sound better.

I like the way she does so much reminiscing. It makes sense, considering a period of her life is coming to an end.

When they disembark from the train, you mention "the home their going to" when it should be "the home they're going to."

I really doubt the Order would fail to protect somebody they were able to protect just because they didn't have a family member in the Order, but it makes sense that Sirius would think joining the Order will solve everything; it's the sort of way he'd look at things.

He's pressuring her to risk her life just as he'll later pressurise Harry and his friends to risk expulsion and just as he expected Peter to risk his life to defy Voldemort.

When she says "you guys are the picture of innocence", there should be a full stop before she rolls her eyes.

I think one of the most impressive parts of your writing is your use of imagery and metaphor. You also seem to be able to create atmosphere very well.

Author's Response: Hi,

Thank you so much for your comments here! I've found them all really helpful and made me look at my story closer as well!

yes, you got that right with why Remus wasn't feeling excited about leaving because Hogwarts has really only been his safe haven and now that is taken away from him. He's just in a self loathing, self pitying mode at the moment.

That's one of the reasons why i really enjoy writing this story is to explore some of the grayer issues of war. I read so many stories where it seems like the characters know which side they want to be on and rarely look to see what it might be like for the other side as well. It's interesting to try and delve into some of those moral questions and what might it be like to have those pressures and fears surround you.

I agree with you about how history is so important and how it can be like a guiding light to us in times that are hard and difficult. It shows us that things could be different and shows how bad the world can get if we let it. I think that is something that Eleanor has wrong and may learn later on as she grows through this story.

I'm glad you thought it was typical of Sirius to think that the Order would fix all the problems. I think he will learn differently later but now he's full of passion and need to change the world and being different from his family. The Order is where he's put his hope in. I doubt that too, the Order would protect anyone i think that needs it for sure. What i meant by that comment was along the lines of he thought it would mean safety for those in it. It's a limited view of what The Order is about and at the moment he thinks himself and his friends invincible. This will change I think as they get more deeply involved but now it's just a childish idea that through this they will be victorious.

Thank you so much for your comments throughout this chapter and sorry it took me so long to respond!!

-zayne


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