|Review:||teh tarik says:|
Hi there :D I said I'd come by to read and review and here I am! First, I'm very glad that you like my suggestion for the story title and used it :)
And wow, this is a very intense and very dark story. Poor Justin! He's such an anguished and emotionally tortured character here. I love the implications of his relationship with Susan (I can't imagine they would've had too great a time freezing on the streets, but still it must have been one of the more consoling moments of Justin's wretched life). You've given him and the other Hufflepuffs such depth; it's quite a rare thing in fanfic to find well-rounded Hufflepuff characters!
Your Dolores Umbridge was a perfect villain. She was genuinely evil, cruel, sadistic, malevolent...aah, and all made worse by her terrible smile. I love how that smile turns so quickly into "a vicious snarl". Great work depicting such a despicable character bahaha :D
Oh, Susan's death scene was tragic. It was somewhat gruesome and pretty graphic (e.g. the whites of her eyes rolling in her head etc.) and I can't imagine how Justin must have felt dealing with the horror of it. That was the event that probably set him off, that triggered all that hatred and desire for revenge in him. It's completely understandable and yet so unjust...
And I love that fleeting glimpse of Astoria! That moment when her eyes softened on seeing Justin's plight was just lovely, and I'm going to interpret her look of disgust as one that is directed toward her father rather than toward Justin. So in the end it is Astoria's father whom Justin kills is it? Why is he under house arrest in Malfoy Manor and not in his own house? Also, if I read correctly, Justin kills all the Aurors guarding that man because they're all dressed in black robes, which reminded him of the Black Ones during his days of terror on the streets. That was a really chilling scene; it just shows how far lost Justin's mind is, that he can no longer distinguish innocent from guilty people and that his killing is prompted by emotional triggers from his past. Or something like that. Sorry it's getting way too late over here!
I do wonder about some things of the story, though e.g. this line: "Keep safe, both of you" Hannah hugged them both quickly.
"You too" I whispered into her hair.
Who on earth is the I supposed to be? Is it a mistake of some sort because it never appears again?
Also, dialogue tag errors - always have a comma before you close quote when a dialogue tag is present (e.g. he said, she whispered, he bellowed etc.).
"Please don't go" Hannah whispered...
There should be a comma after "go" and before the close quote (")
Other than that this is a great story! A very dark exploration of Justin's mind. Your writing style is mostly smooth and vivid and very enjoyable to read. Great work!
Author's Response: Wow. . . . . . .just wow. . . . . .this review has blown me away. . . . . . speechless. . . . . . . . .
First things first: I really do apologise for my desperate grammar! It is horrendous and I will be getting the story beta'd in the very forseeable future! Like as in maybe sometime this week! :D
And the 'I' is completely accidental! I toyed around with the idea of doing this in the first person, but then decided against it, and I guess I missed that one! Sorry! It shall be fixed :P
Yep, Justin kills Astoria's father in the end! The reason he isn't under house arrest in his own house would be that I imagine instead of filling up Azkaban, they would have placed the followers who weren't up in the higher ranks and who didn't pose a massive threat under house arrest. Seeing as Voldemort was a pretty popular guy, he would have had a bunch of followers, who all had houses, meaning only one or two Aurors could be posted to each house to keep track of them. Seeing as mainly pure-bloods followed Voldemort, most would have had manor houses which have a bunch of rooms, giving prisoners a bigger chance of escaping! So my theory is that they put them all in one house (I chose Malfoy Manor, because they have a lot of making up to do to the wizarding world for all the attempted Harry-killing, Voldemort-following and what-not!) so then all the guards would be in one place, giving a smaller window for escape :) (window, geddit :P)
And yes, you read correctly! Justin does go on a killing spree, which involves the poor Aurors who were wearing their uniforms (how much would you love to be the rebel who didn't turn up in uniform on that day !)
And I think I had a biteen too much fun writing Umbridge :P She is my all time favourite villian! I think I hate her more than Voldemort and Bellatrix put together! :P
I am so glad my first attempt at horror/dark (and boy was it horror/dark!) went down well, because I usually stick to fluff!
Thank you so much for the vundervul review :D !!!