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Review:cypress says:
Hi there! cypress here with your requested review. :)

The ogre, the placards, the way you describe the house-elf, the half-troll mother-of-five, her square children...very, very funny. I loved those elements of your story - the little tidbits of wry humour poking fun at the creatures. I think you've got a really solid plot here, and I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with it!

You did a great job using a nice variety of verbs and adjectives. You matched your words to the character, like where you had the ogre snarl and the houseelf squeak. Those little things really helped distinguish those characters.

As far as things you can improve...and I'm being as critical as possible because you asked me to...

Characterization: I glanced over your other reviews, and I have to say, I didn't get the same idea about Jack being a mischievous character who might have bee there for the possibilities. On my first read I thought he was a serious protester, so I was a bit surprised at his roaring at the end! But reading it a second time, I could see where your other reviewer was coming from. Basically, I'd like to know more about Jack. Is he a bit of a trouble-maker? Is he honestly offended when the other creatures reject him? You set up your supporting characters really well, but your main character has to be that and way more. I'd like to know a bit about his motivation for being there. Maybe make it a bit clearer in the beginning that he IS there. We see you taking about Jack, but we don't know he's human until the ogre says so. What does he look like? What is he thinking about? Is he nervous? Nonchalant? Serious? Just looking for a good time?

Setting: I think a bit more description about the setting - where are they exactly? Are they in the middle of muggle London? Are they in some secluded arena? Where exactly is this gravel they're stepping on? What time of day is it? Time of year? And how many people are we talking? Is Jack a lone human among a sea of oddly-shaped creatures? Or is this a "large" protest of two-dozen beings and beasts so that he'd be very noticeable?

Humour: I'm going to preface this by saying, bravo. Humour is really, really, REALLY hard to write, and even harder to write well. You're doing a great job so far, but you shouldn't be afraid to let a bit more of your own sense of humour shine through. Your response to your first review made me laugh because you said something about how bats aren't exactly intimidating unless you have a phobia of bats/flying mice. Wry humour like that, that states a fact in a way that points out the ridiculousness of the fact, is a good way to make a story funny. Situational irony helps, too, and you have that, but a few more sarcastic phrases peppered in and I think it would be even better. Like, right before he roars for example, or when he's responding to the others' comments.

Active voice: Using active rather than passive verbs will help keep your story moving. You did a good job of this for the most part, but another proofread couldn't hurt since it's for a challenge. Example: "He jabbed his sign towards the night sky like a spear, allowing it to be briefly illuminated by the scarce light of near-by lanterns." You could change this to "He jabbed his sign towards the night sky like a spear. The scarce light of near-by lanterns illuminated it briefly." The verb phrase "was illuminated" was passive and sort of dragged the sentence out and complicated it. Your story is really action driven (which is great!!) so I recommend that you choose your verbs to match. I didn't see a lot of this, mind, but I saw it at least the once so I thought I'd mention it.

Flow and pacing: I think you did a good job with these overall, but I wouldn't have minded a bit more description and character development, especially since we're dealing with an OC and especially since this is going to be multiple chapters. That will help slow the pacing a bit, too, so you don't go from "Here's Jack" to "Whoops! There goes Jack" too quickly.

I think that's all I have for now, but if you have any questions about the stuff I've suggested, feel free to PM me. :) Of course, these are just suggestions, You don't have to do any or all of it, but I tried to give you as much to work with as possible. Overall, though, like I said, I think you've got a great plot and your story was well-constructed. Hope this helps!

Author's Response: Oh, hey! You are quick as lightning, you! Thank you for getting to my request so soon :D

The humour works? *Phew* I never know these things. I'm the type who laughs at all the wrong places during sit-coms and plays and what-not, even during class...it can get very embarassing!

I found that you bring up some good points. For me, Jack's character was clear as day when I was writing..but now I'm faced with conflicting interpretations and something must be done. My idea was that he is on the nerdy side but with lots of pent-up anger. Hence the serious protesting and hence, also, the flip-out. In a way, he is jaded and doesn't take the protest seriously from the start. But in a different way, he is also rational and reflective enough to be fully behind the idea of equal rights. I see that this might not be as easy to bring accross as I thought! I shall see what I can do.

As to the setting, I struggled a bit...and settled for dropping hints here and there without going into it much. The lanterns in the beginning imply it is night time (otherwize Jack would be toast and the story would be a very short one). Towards the end, we find out that the protest is in front of the Ministry of Magic building. The size of the protest, hm... it appears information is lacking int hat regard. I imaged it would be a rather cozy gathering...I'll see how I can bring that in, thank you for pointing it out!

As to the passive sentences, also a good point! I'll see to it that this scene gets fleshed out more in the process of some re-reading. At first I tried to make it a bit minimalist because 1) I just really wanted to have a short chapter, for once! Ugh, always the 3000-4000 word chapters that no one wants to read...2)I imagined this as a prologue of sorts to the actual story. It was supposed to seem chaotic and confusing, simply to have the reader feel the same relief as Jack when he flies away from that mess. I'm starting to think that I'll drop that brilliant idea and stick to making sense instead :P

So, again, this was a wonderful review, thank you very much :D If you don't mind, I think I'll be re-requesting once some more of the story is up!


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