Hi darling! So I decided to start on this one because, well, obviously I love these two :P
I have to give you credit for choosing to write a Quidditch match story. Quidditch is one of my least favorite thing to write about, not because I donít love it.. but I just donít get sports enough to ever feel like Iím convincingly describing it.
I think Jamesís Ďtalkí in the start of the chapter was both convincing and accurate. I could feel his nerves through it, his desire to win along with the competing emotions of this being his final time heíd play for Gryffindor. Iím really happy you focused a bit on the teammates, their parts in it and the respect they showed James added a lot to his character.
I do think you could dwell a bit more on what he was really feeling in this. You make it clear that itís his last time, but you could beef that up during this by him just kind of taking it all in. The sound of the crowd outside.. the feeling of knowing he was walking out on the field for the final time during his school career.
I think you did a really good job showing us the details through the commentaries. It absolutely felt like I was able to understand and follow what was happening, and as I said Iím not great at Ďgettingí sports so it was awesome for me to knows what was happening! And of course my heart melted when he glanced at Lily while they walked out onto the pitch. I loved the support you showed through his friends, and the way having that support made him feel. Iím really impressed with how clear your creating his characterization through such a short story. The pride in his chest when he walks out, coupled with him throwing himself in front of the Bludger both were such excellent choices on your part. The first, a very creative way to remind us how much he does care about his friends and what they think, and then the second obviously is what advanced the story. But instead of having him doing something heroic you could have just had him get hurt, and Iím so happy you chose what you did because, again it went miles to creating a very vivid and (in my opinion) accurate character.
Your whole last section is really lovely ♥ Iím so happy you kept both of their personalities pretty even. Neither of them yelling, both a bit nervous (James being nervous is too adorable) and Lily-- although she doesnít seem completely comfortable-- she doesnít just rush off. Iím sure you can tell through Before They Fall that I donít love when Lily and James are this hate hate match. Yes, there was a part when they were younger and didnít get along. Letís not focus on it for the rest of our lives (rolls eyes). So I love that you chose to have them on a more stable ground, even if they arenít exactly friends yet.
I think that you wrote a very lovely one shot here, mídear. I still think that there are parts you could strengthen with letting the story play out more, for example:
Without thinking, James quickly tossed the Quaffle to Mary and streaked across the pitch. He pulled his broom to a halt straight into the path of the oncoming Bludger, and had only a second to think, Oh, crap, before the impact.
You could really add a bit of intensity to this, considering it is a bit of a scary part, and do something like---
Without thinking, James chucked the Quaffle to Mary and streaked across the pitch. He leaned his body forward, forcing the broom to cut through the air at a speed even he usually didnít dare. James could almost hear the crowd gasping as he pulled up on the handle of his broom and faced the oncoming Bludger with only a second to think, Oh, crap, before the impact.
Just adding a few bits and pieces to certain parts like that to get us on the edge of our seat :). But thatís something that I feel like weíre all constantly trying to work on, so you definitely arenít alone :P
Lovely one shot, mídear. Thank you for filling me with James and Lily fuzzies ♥
Author's Response: Hello :) Gosh - thank you for a great review!
Hmm - Quidditch. It was so so hard to write!! I chose to do it because I had the idea for the story in my head and it would not go away but the scene did end up being shorter than I wanted as it wasn't easy!! I did enjoy writing James's talk though, I had Oliver Wood inspiration! Creating his team mates was great to - they definitely had a lot of respect for James! It does mean a lot that you got the details through the commentary though. At least I didn't mess it up too badly :)
Thank you for the CC too. Looking at what you've suggested for both the walking out on to the pitch and the bludger incident - just them few extra bits - really does make them so much better! I will be going over the whole thing as soon as I get chance and attempting to improve it! Thanks again for the suggestions :)
It made me smile when I read your opinion on the hate match and yelling - I completely agree! As much as it is part of their history I much prefer focusing on the loveliness between the two of them :) probably why I love Before They Fall :)
Anyway - Glad you enjoyed it! Thank you for an amazing review! And I will be definitely taking your CC into consideration once I get the chance to update it!!