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Review:MargaretLane says:
Really like the little insight into the character's normal life we get in the first paragraph. Also LOVE the third paragraph and how it really emphasises how the war has changed their lives. Really well and emotively written.

I think the sentence about her "love to pumpkin pastries" would sound better as "love OF pumpkin pastries."

Oh, gosh, people like Amelia are annoying. If they are dedicated to finding a man and marrying, that's fine, but they shouldn't assume everybody feels the same way, particularly not when they're still at school. People want different things from life; this shouldn't be a difficult concept!

You give good insight into her character just in those few lines.

Unless I'm missing something, the character should be a halfBLOOD, not a halfBREED as you've had her mention being called. Halfbreed means that she is something else as well as human, like part-giant or part-goblin or something.

Do Hogwarts students have electives for N.E.W.T.? I thought they just picked any 3+ subjects at that stage, much like the British A-levels, so in a sense EVERY subject would be an elective at that level. I don't think they have any compulsory subjects for N.E.W.T.s.

When she talks about getting back at James, you haven't given the word "i'll" a capital letter.

Yikes, Wilkes is kind of getting creepy here. And of course, in this case, the teachers can do less than usual as the students are about to leave school and what can they do at this stage? Expel them? If they've their exams done, then why would they care?

I think you're really kind of capturing the uncertainty of leaving school in this chapter, with your character being glad to get away from some of her schoolmates, but worrying about whether or not she'll get the career she wants and what'll happen next.

Oh, Amelia Bones. I would have imagined her as a good deal older than this, both because she was so high ranking in the books and because her niece was at Hogwarts with Harry. And probably because of things like being called "Madame Bones" too, which makes her sound older than in her 30s. But of course, there is no evidence as to WHAT age she is and you can be an aunt at any age. So I shouldn't be surprised by this.

I love that line about how they are being forced to act as adults when they are really just children. It shows the effect of the war on them and also fits really well with canon, where James and Lily had married, had a child, fought in a war and died, all by an age where many people are still looking forward to their first full-time job.

I also like the fact that Peter has had a girlfriend.

Ah, so I was wrong about the teachers lacking power against Wilkes, since he's apparently only in 6th year and not leaving yet.

And I really like the fact that your main character is trying to avoid facing the war. It sometimes seems like in canon, everybody is the kind of person who goes out to fight for what they believe in and really, those kind of people are far from the only ones in society. Apart from Slughorn, we rarely see characters who just want to get on with their lives without risking their lives. So it's good to see it in fanfiction.

*laughs* I think only Sirius would suggest that the Order of the Phoenix wouldn't be that dangerous.

Love the last paragraph and the hope that sometimes things will be normal again. I can't imagine what living through a war must be like. I don't know how people do it.

Author's Response: Hey I'm really sorry that it took me forever to respond to this!

I understand you dislike of Amelia to an extent, although i really like Amelia I think i could only handle her in small doses in real life. Mostly because as you mentioned her single mindedness and her desire for a perfect marriage. Things will change for her as the time goes by but at this moment she's quite naive about life.

It should be halfblood technically, but i suppose i was using halfbreed to show how low they thought of Eleanor. I don't know if this works but i've gone in and edited to make it clear that she is halfblood but they use that because they don't see Eleanor as being fully human because of her blood. That comes not just because she's half blood but also because of her squib brother and blood traitor mum. I suppose i've always seen that being a squib or having one in the family could be volatile during those times because if a family's magical bloodline is tainted or not strong enough to pass down to the children then can that family be seen as human? Their blood means everything, to a purebood anyway, and I think squibs could be extremely shaming and mark someone being connected to them as less than human. It's a ridiculous concept but that's how i see it from a pureblood's perspective. Does that make sense?

You have brought up so many good comments that i wish i could comment on them all but i'm afraid this response would turn out to be an essay! But you've made me think about this chapter a a bit more and i appreciate the comments you've left here. It's made me see what i've done well and not so well so it gives me a point to work on! :P

I do however want to comment on your comment on Peter! Just that i loved it and i hate when Peter is thought to be a baboon without any prospects. I think he would have and i think he was once their best mate and had their trust implicitly. Also Sirius - yes i thought i could get away with it because he'd be the only one reckless enough to think that it would be fine. I think it show's some of his naivety too though and that he doesn't have a clear vision of the war yet. Kind of like the idea that war will be over by Christmas kind of thing. He has a pretty clear vision at times and experienced a lot more than others but i think that there was still a lot for him to learn :P

Thank you so much for your comments and thoughts! i've found them really helpful!


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