Hi again :)
Again with the cliche-busting! I love the scene where Jane snuggles into Sirius's bed, mostly because there's no Sirius there. It's just her, his scent, and her feelings. I also love how oblivious she is to the fact that it's her initial inside the heart.
Oh, a Marauder never reveals his secrets.
^Love this. Can't have Sirius be too sentimental!
I really love how Mrs. Potter is acting as the hopeless romantic in this chapter, and in the last as well, really. She and her husband have this interesting role as the narrators of the romantic entanglements of the main characters, in a way that makes sense as omniscient. That is, it would be weird if James were talking about the nature of love and how people end up together, because he doesn't have that kind of worldly wisdom that comes with age. His parents, however, sort of do. Like this: Sweetheart, you see things in black and white. Jane doesn't. You need a spoonful of that. It seems like such a motherly thing to say, and ugh, I just love your characterization here.
The one thing that seemed off, speaking of characterization, was Sirius's frank revelation about his lack of conquests. That seemed a little forward even for Sirius, who can be quite blunt. I did like his comment about how he regretted not kissing Jane that night in the castle--that seems very Sirius, just being honest and kissing the girl instead of beating around the bush about it.
I've probably mentioned this before, so ignore it if I have, but I think this story would benefit from some beta work. That way, you can get additional feedback and work on the technical kinks I see.
I'll be back for the last two chapters soon!
Author's Response: Okay, so I loved this review! Yeah, I liked that little scene in Sirius' bedroom. I think the way a person keeps their bedroom can tell you a lot about them. I love Mrs. Potter, and I absolutely love her relationship with Sirius. I feel like he's this second son to her, but she keeps an extra eye on him because she knows that he's not had the happiest childhood. I wanted Harry's grandparents to have a bit of significance in my story.
That's fair enough, with Sirius' confession. I guess he just doesn't want Jane having the wrong idea about him, and he doesn't want a false reputation to ruin his chance. But I definitely see what you're saying.
Yeah, I might consider getting a beta reader. It's not a bad idea.
Thanks so much. You made me smile :)