Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:academica says:
Hello! I've returned for another review :)

He found it refreshing to have a girl around who did not cling on to him like a leech. But at the same time, part of him wished she clung more.

^I love that. It shows that Sirius is developing feelings for Jane, but at an appropriately slow pace. He still has his reservations about her, and yet he can't deny his growing affection for her. It lacks the extreme quality of so many "I love her, I hate her!" Sirius/OC fics I pass over on the archive.

I liked the little bit about Peter having other plans. Part of me has to wonder what they might be, though it seems a little early for Death Eater action.

The scene switch to the Potters' house seemed a tad abrupt. I think it would flow better if you tried to set the scene with imagery instead of just using a line break and cutting right to James and Sirius's conversation; the same could be said for the transition to Jane's house. I did like James's comment about how his dad says to tell people how you really feel. That seems highly appropriate in the midst of war.

I liked getting a glimpse at the friendships present among the characters in this chapter. It was nice to see Lily and Jane talking about boys and James teasing Sirius about his attraction to Jane. I also liked the dinner conversation; the dialogue seemed very natural and the interactions made sense.

The bit about the war at the end felt a little tacked-on. I think you could improve this and help it stand out from a lot of other Marauder-era stories if you try to thread those ideas throughout this chapter and the rest of the story instead. People tend to focus on the romance and forget that the war was raging right outside the castle!

Good work! One more chapter for tonight.

-Amanda

Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I always look forward to them :)

Yeah, there's definitely not that love/hate dynamic in this story. Maybe a little for James and Lily, but that's all. The female characters always come across as kind of rude.

It's certainly too early for Death Eater action. I feel that there needs to be a progression to it. He can't just one day wake up and decide to be a Death Eater. But there will be some of that progression in the story.

I know what you mean about the scene changes being abrupt. I tend to see my story as a movie, and therefore the sudden scene changes stem from that. I'll try to make it less abrupt, because I do see your point.

My story certainly has a lot of war in it. It's less about a blossoming romance and more about how it is to be living in a time of such uncertainty, where the people you love can be taken from you in heartbeat. So don't you worry about that, little missy ;)



Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 138
Submit Report: