Hahaha, yay, so much awkward in this! Poor everybody XD
(btw it's Whiskey, back to read some more, through Holiday Review Swap this time...I think I have to say this?)
I liked the morning scene. As a person who is always late for absolutely everything (I'll be late to my own funeral, you can bet on it), your description of Edie running around in the morning like a crazy person spoke to my confused time-challenged soul. In terms of pace and detail, that scene was really the best part of the chapter, in my opinion. First, the quick way you jumped right into it without any breaking up of the text was fitting and well executed. Also, the moment with Dean was brief yet touching. Actually, I also liked the bit with him in the evening, when Edie wonders about the status of their bro-lationship...It's a question I am sure many of us who have close friends of an opposite gender have to deal with, and it isn't an easy one. I hope you explore this further, because there is potential for real and complex character interaction.
Basically, I already like Dean more. Although I also loved how Seamus showed up at the bar despite everything (because *sigh* of course he would!) But Seamus is still a bit of a caricature of himself here, in my humble opinion anyways. He was funny but a bit overdone...
And now, to THIS: Viktor=Oliver! Oh my. Admittedly,I didn't quite pick up on WHY he felt the need for a drunken Scottisch to Bulgarian switcheroo, but it fits the persona you seem to be creating for him anyways. A star all grown up trying to find himself at the bottom of a bottle, Radcliffe style? (Sorry, I just had to :P) Whether that's anywhere near the spot or not, he seems like an original and fun love interest with realistic flaws and limited yet fun charms. I'll be going straight to the next chapter after this just because I have to see what you do with him.
A few more comments before I can endulge in more Oliver Wood:
Something felt off about the beginning of the chapter during Edie's conversation with Seamus and Dean. The things they said were kind of forced and overly brotastic. I wouldn't know what to change specifically,but maybe try distinguishing Dean from Seamus more in the way they talk?
Also, why do they watch Muggle football? I can think of many reasons, but since they are wizards, this maybe needs some explanation...
And I already mentioned this,but I do try to be helpful even if I really like a story so I'll repeat it: The caricature, overthetop-ness of the bar scene could use some taming. I think what bothers me is the body humour you put into such scenes (a smimialr scene was the coffee room in an earlier chapter, if you remember). The way Edie was stading an inch away from Seamus, or how she pushed him away or hid behind the newspaper...all of these things feel out of place in a story that otherwize does not read like a cartoon, you know what I mean? It would work really well if the rest was like this, but your style otherwize, although sometimes intense, is more down to earth and realistic.
Ok, that's it! I hope I could help :)
Author's Response: Hi there!! I am so happy that you came back, and will certainly return the review favor when Christmas family festivities have ended! :)
I love Dean♥Edie brolationship time. And it will certainly be a more pressing topic in later chapters! And Seamus is totally over-the-top, but that's just how I've always done him. And it's fun to write. :3 I want this story to be a place where I can dump all of my silliness amidst all of my other angsty stories. Of course I'm taking his character into consideration when I write, but I also want him to be as fun for readers as it is for me XD
YES VIKTOR WAS OLIVER SURPRISE! I think I mentioned this in another review, but I just recall all of my guy friends, when they get drunk, liking to do what I'm sure they find to be HILARIOUS celebrity impersonations. I imagine Wood just got started on something and then his friends told him it was funny and his drunk-ego took over and he carried it on obnoxiously all night. :)
As for Muggle football, JKR mentioned that Dean hung football posters in the Gryffie boys' dormitory. ;D
As for body humor, I guess that goes back to me wanting this story to be almost slapstick at times. I have really thought about your comments about Mildred, though, and have been considering whether or not to take out the whole scene to shorten the chapter. So I appreciate your comments on these things!
Thank you again so very much!!!