Okay, so the summary and the East Asian Audrey attracted me to this fic, because everyone loves strippers. :D (Although Audrey is probably more of an exotic dancer rather than an honest-to-God stripper).
Seriously, the idea for your characterisation of Audrey is fantastically original and you should be proud of it. The fandom in general does not normally view Percy as the kind of person who'd end up marrying a Muggle dancer, but it does make a certain kind of sense.
Anyway, I'll start from the beginning, because that's generally the place you're meant to start from.
They were the eyes of a dead man.
That's a lovely opening sentence right there. It's dramatic, yes, but it also establishes your characterisation of Percy before we've met him, and it's really effective. Well done.
The description of Percy that follows is extensive, and carries on creating the impression in our minds of what post-war Percy would be like, which is really cool too.
I will say, however, that what you make up in detail you lose in realism - I'm not completely convinced that Audrey is going to be inclined to study this man. (After all, desensitised, strange, dead-eyed men are not necessarily uncommon at strip clubs.) It makes more sense that she'd note some details about him and then, when she gets a less awkward chance, get a better look. At least, in my opinion. I don't know.
One nit-picky thing: you've used colour in your description of Percy. If he's sitting under assumedly-coloured neon lights, that'll affect the colouring of his hair and eyes as seen by Audrey.
Mr. Arnold Remmington had a certain respect for the girls that danced at his strip club but allowing them to leave the club, Bare Back, without having a sample was his real intention. Audrey had never liked him but she had been working at the club for the past three years and had always avoided his greasy palms on her skin, his lips on her hair.
I really can't tell if Remington here is actually intending to have sex with all the strippers and exotic dancers or not. :S
The first encounter between Audrey and Percy is so cute and funny. Awww. Percy, the man who could inspire a million Socially Awkward Penguin image macros. And I really like how assertive Audrey is, too!
There had been a dark time in her life when any attention from a man had been wanted desperately but she’d taken some counseling and had gotten herself through that phase…hating that her father had brought it out in her in the first place.
Oh, and it was going so well.
This bit's a tad stereotypical, in my opinion, and I'd be surprised if current psychological theory supports this whole 'abusive/absent father ---> feelings of specifically sexual inadequacy ---> hyperdependence on a male presence' thing. I'm also not sure as to what this whole part about Audrey's turbulent romantic life adds to the narrative as a whole; it's a bit like you're implying that Audrey feels like one bad relationship should mean that she never experiences heterosexual attraction ever again, which is a bit drastic.
I don't know. Am I reading this wrong?
The girls who worked here all had some sort of history and sometimes they were never very good but in their own way they supported one another and Audrey took a seat at a bar stool and held up her fingers to the bartender.
More criticism for you: the bit that starts with 'Audrey' has no direct relevance to the bit before it, and this isn't Joyceian stream-of-consciousness, so this should probably be two sentences.
On a happier note, the interaction between Audrey and Percy is extremely interesting. Percy just, quite rightly, feels a bit like he's being stalked (and probably tired and a bit drunk and he wants to go home, etc.), as well as having the strict sexual morals you'd expect from a guy like him. Audrey comes across as a more easygoing yet a more practical person; she'd be Sorted into Slytherin if she was a witch, but that's a compliment rather than an insult.
I will admit to struggling to see why Audrey is going to persist after this encounter; if I, having had some moments of the practicality that you've shown Audrey to have, were to find someone immensely attractive and intriguing, and they acted like how Percy acts to Audrey, I'd probably just shrug, leave them to their own devices and go home and catch up with my Netflix queue or something, y'know?
But - obviously, you've given yourself the space to develop and change the Audrey-Percy dynamic, and you've probably made headway with that already, so you can ignore this if you want.
It's been a fun read so far, so happy writing! :)
Author's Response: Hello!
What on earth am I supposed to do with this monster? I was idly checking and saw this and went, "My God...Caoty has gone mad." But it was nice getting a review from you really quickly, I wasn't expecting that at all!
Well. Thanks for coming onto this story first, its always a nice surprise when I get reviews at all for this story. I wasn't really sure if I had done this one particularly favorable, considering that, firstly, Audrey's Asian, Percy's not quite right and I've made her a stripper/dancer, however you want to look at it.
I'm not going to lie and say that I knew exactly what I was doing when I was writing this first chapter. I'd had a brief idea for it but there were, as I noted many a time over rereading, millions of character flaws and mistakes.
As in, the lighting and Audrey's interest in Percy in the first place. I suppose I wanted to play around with her noticing something inside of herself in another person but that may not have come across very well. :p
Ah, her whole thing with her father is a bit stereotypical. I wasn't really trying to do it on purpose but I thought that showing how different her life was from Percy's, who we know comes from a very loving family would be important down the road. But I probably should have come up with something a tad more original than that but I didn't want to delve into say, drugs or anything like that. A bit too dark, even for me. :p
And you're right about the lighting as well too with her description of Percy. I'd meant to go in and change that. Just haven't done it...laziness! Hahaha.
Okay, I'll just let you know right now that Remmington intends on sleeping with more than one stripper at the club. Just throwing it out there. Might not have really needed it but, there you go, this story on some points for me is a tad over dramatic. Sigh.
Audrey herself will say that her romantic life, and I'll add that she's had more than one bad relationship, puts her off on having anything genuine with someone. But, that might be a flaw I added in for her on purpose since her interactions with Percy later on (Chapter 5 anyone?) aren't going to go as planned and might just teach her a lesson about playing with fire. Or red hair. Or something. Something.
Anyhoo! Percy/Audrey themsevles are really interesting for me to right and thanks so much for thinking so! I tried so hard to grasp what their dynamics might be like and the way she is just makes it all the more fun. Loud, rude, Audrey. :D
Hahaha, I will admit to not knowing why Audrey is so persistent on pursuing this encounter. Perhaps I should have had them talking a bit more, getting the feel of kindred spirits or something because otherwise, you're left going, "Well, he's not all that great."
But then again, Percy does warn her off more than once, its Audrey actually going for it. She knows something is off about him and she's probably one of those girls that would poke at a bear just to see what would happen.
Yeah, so that's a flaw in my writing for her, I think.
But I played around with her interest for Percy in the next chapter and the one after that. I'm not going to say that this is the best fanfic that I have, but I do really love it so you'll have to bear with me. Not sure if you'll come back but this was a really great, helpful review and thanks so much! I left one of your one-shots a review too! Look at that thing!!!
See you on the forums!