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Review:academica says:
Hello, and happy early Christmas! This is the first of 10 reviews I am planning to leave for this story :D

So I have to admit that I'm not a big fan of next gen because it seems like it's always the same story; just the names are changed, you know? I like Amelia, though, so far. She doesn't seem to have too extreme of a personality, and I like that the chapter wasn't dominated by her just dreaming about James and complaining about his girlfriend. The chapter is definitely action-packed, although I personally feel like the zanyness went on a little too long for my taste. However, I can see how you would have wanted to use it to spice up the train ride, just to keep this chapter from dragging.

Most of the critiques I have are minor stylistic quibbles. The large spacing that you get when you copy and paste directly from an MS Word document can be fixed by using the Simple Editor. I think fixing it would make this look cleaner. I also noticed that you seem to have some long sentences, like this one:

James let out a fake laugh before shaking his head at Kelly who smiled at him, Adam laughed before stretching his legs out and resting his feet on Amelia's lap, she placed her arms on top of them.

^I think that would sound better if you broke it up into two or three separate sentences. You seem to use commas a lot when a period would be better. I also noticed some awkward phrasing in several places, some of which looked like typos; for example, "we'll be having jobs" makes more sense as "we'll have jobs," and "other girls done" needs a "had" between "girls" and "done." In other places, I noticed fragments and sentences that could use more commas. This would probably benefit from being beta read, or you might catch things if you proofread a couple more times and edit it yourself.

One thing that I've found helps me a lot with writing is just to take time to watch people in everyday life. You can study their expressions, their mannerisms, and conversation styles to help make your characters feel more realistic. For example, I noticed that Mariah went sort of immediately from frowning to smiling. That's kind of weird for me to imagine a real person doing. I think you could add in something else, like a moment of hesitation or suspicion, to make that feel more complete and easier to envision.

This is a nice start -- I'm heading to chapter two :)

~*your slytherin secret santa*~

Author's Response: Hello there!! I'm finally responding to these :D Sorry it's taken me so long :S
Argh I hate the spacing when I paste from word, I've now learnt to paste from wordpad so I'm planning on going back and edit it using word pad.
I'm always worried I've used too many comma's so I'm glad that you pointed it out, Eeek thanks, I shall edit this chapter :D
Yes, I really like that idea :D
Thank you so much for reviewing this for me, I am so glad that you're pointing out things that I could edit, it's really helping me so I really appreciate it :D
I can't wait to read the others


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