Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Violet Gryfindor says:
I really like how this chapter started out with the interactions between Thalia and the two Marauders. She has a great narrative voice - it's strong, and gives readers a clear idea of what she's like without you needing to describe her in detail. I hope that you write mot of the story through her POV because using too many first-person narrators in a single story can be confusing, especially if you don't make it clear who is narrating each chapter.

It would also be interesting to hear more about Thalia's father. The way you describe her family life in that paragraph and immediately connect it to her place in Gryffindor house is well-done, especially since she doesn't see herself as brave, but she sees that it could still develop. I like her perspective and opinions about the world around her - it's definitely a strength that sets her apart from other OCs I've read about.

Now the one thing you should be careful of is falling into the trap of cliches. One major one is describing each character in turn with great detail - it not only slows down the plot, but it's not necessary to know exactly what the characters look like. You could throw in those details slowly over the course of the story whenever they become relevant. Not much else happens in this chapter - that's why I'm worried about the descriptions. If there was more action, they'd probably not stand out so much.

It's also interesting that, of the five girls, Thalia makes herself out to be the least interesting - the one who just gets along at life. She doesn't focus on her appearance, nor does she seem to have anything positive to say about herself. :P Watch that you don't make too much of a contrast between herself and the others like this - it can't just be that she's humble or uncaring of her appearance, not when she pays so much attention to the appearance of her friends. ;) These are just things one picks up after reading too many Marauder-era stories over the years.

Good work with this chapter! It does need a close read-through for punctuation (sorry, I'm being very nit-picky!). It'll be fun to see where this story goes next!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for another review! I was worried about the descriptions so I'll bear that in mind next time I introduce a new character. I don't like cliche stories either so I'll try and not make it one :) I have a beta reader as well now so hopefully the punctuation problems will now be sorted out. Thanks again for the review!

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Submit Report:  





All stories remain the property of their authors and must not be copied in any form without their consent. This is an unofficial, not for profit site, and is in no way connected with J.K. Rowling, Scholastic Books or Bloomsbury Publishing or Warner Bros. It is not endorsed by any of the aforementioned parties. Rights to characters and their images is neither claimed nor implied. The use of photographs and/or the likeness of any person contained herein does not imply endorsement of any kind. Any depictions were obtained through publically available sources and therefore fall under fair use. Although we may provide links to other websites, we are not responsible for any material at these sites. You acknowledge that you link to these other websites at your own risk. All original administrative content is copyright of the site owner and must not be copied in any form (electronic or otherwise) without the prior consent of the siteowner. ©2000-2012 Fanfictionworld.net

[terms of service] [report abuse] [privacy policy] [site credits]
 
 

navigation

home

search HPFF
read stories
write stories
login/register
get help
site links
forums
podcasts
Terms of Service
Site Rules
contact us

  
 
 

categories & genres

Genre:
- crossover
- drama
- fluff
- general
- horror/dark
- humor
- mystery
- romance
- action/adventure
- angst
- au
- young adult

Popular Pairings:
- harry/ginny
- ron/hermione
- james/lily
- draco/hermione
- more...

Format:
- one-shot
- short story
- novella
- novel
- short story collection
- songfic

  
 
 

quick links

my account
ToS
random story
site rules
help
merchandise


  
 
 

fanfictionworld.net