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Review:Elphaba and Boyfriends says:
Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review! I'll do my best to give some CC. :)

First of all, I really like your story plot. It just seems fun and and also helps to explain Sirius' departure from his family's beliefs. I also like the "Roald Dahl" style downtrodden female character -- she's poor but not too angsty about it.

I did think that the explanation for Lexi getting stuck with the mattress on the floor was a little long and not entirely necessary, since she explains her living situation separately to Sirius later on in her notes. I might trim down the first part of Lexi's section, and let her explain herself more through her communication with Sirius.

Sirius seems in-character for the most part, but I do question his thoughts on Snape in this section: "He felt a sudden twinge of guilt in that moment, remembering his first journey on the Hogwarts Express, where he had labelled Severus Snape with the same insult that he was so afraid of now." I don't know that Sirius would remember that incident so clearly, or think about his own hypocrisy ... I'm basing this on his age at the time, and also on his behavior as an adult, where he would act cruelly toward Kreacher and then turn around and advise Harry to look at how other people treat their inferiors. He just struck me as someone who could be oblivious to his own weaknesses.

Look out for passive verb forms, like in this sentence: "Raven hair was sprawled across the pillow, which was sodden with tears." -- I might re-write it as "Raven hair sprawled across a tear-sodden pillow."

Overall, I think this story is off to a good start and shows a lot of promise! :) It left me with questions (What happened to Lexi? Did Regulus ever communicate with her?) which is always a good sign. :)

Author's Response: Thank you! I do seem to get compared to a few famous authors, don't I? :P Thanks so much for the compliment though! ♥

I'll have a look at that section; the aim was to explain the relationship between Lexi and her sisters- how Amelia is bratty and demands her own way, and how Melody and Grace are too wrapped up in each other to pay much attention to her, leading to her feelings of injustice towards her family and thus provide her with a reason for replying to Sirius instead of dismissing him as a creep. :)

I'll definitely work on re-writing that one; thanks for spotting it! Your pointers are absolutely correct, and I'll work on straightening out his Snape-related thoughts. :)

Oooh. Again, I didn't notice this. I'll definitely re-write that line too; your suggestion definitely seems to be more readable.

And thank you so much! I do like writing mysteries, don't I? Haha! Thanks again for the con-crit, and I'll definitely work on making the edits that you suggested. :)


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