Greetings! It's Whsieky from Holiday Review Swap!
I thought this was a touching beginning, in that retrospective, melancholic sort of way. It was dark but not angsty, kind of like a fairy-tale.
Although I did feel that the descriptions where a tad confusing at times. I am not sure how much of that was deliberate, but here are some moments that I found made the reading a bit difficult.
First, "the white world" is an interesting and strong visual trigger. It sounds like it's a parallel world to ours that is timeless and static, sort of like an empty matrix :P. This imagery is used often to signify a place one goes to after death (not unlike the King's Cross Station Harry goes to when he dies). What unites all of these "white worlds" in literature and film is usually, well, that they are white. They always seem clean and minimalistic and kind of artificial. So you can imagine how it was difficult for me to connect growing trees, a lake, bushes etc.with the name "white world". If the world she occupies does look white, why would she choose to call it that?
This doesn't mean that I am suggesting you should change the name, but maybe add or adjust descriptions to signify a more surreal landscape. Maybe the trees are a different color than is normal (like..white? ^^)and have a different texture. I liked how the lake's surface never rippled..,more details like that should do the trick.
There were some formulations that I think could use a little rephrasing:
" I was an irrevocably permanent part of this world" irrevocably and permanent both mean "for ever" and, put together, are like saying cold coldness, you know?
"spilling an inky substance into the white earth up into the grass." Here, there was some direction mix up. spilling INTO the ground, but then UP into the grass. I couldn't really picture anything spilling upwards. Maybe use a word that implies force, like sucked up into the grass or eats its way up into the grass.
At one point, you say "I was none the wiser even after my long imprisonment."But then you say "I understood the ways of this world, as it understood me." Which is a bit of a contradiction. I am aware that there is a difference between knowing answers and intuitively feeling how things work, but this was still confusing. Does she feel trapped and unhappy or has she resigned and found her place there?
There were a few other things like this that tangled the narrative a bit. I think it is easy to fix if you just go over it with a fresh eye :)
I really liked the rotting, beating heart inside the hill and how she was sometimes tied to the hill and couldn't leave it.There is great potential in this imagery. Going a bit more into how this must weigh on her, I think, can add a clearer structure to this prolog. It could help the reader identify the conflict more easily. As simple as it is, contrast is a almost always a good tool.
Well, I really enjoyed this and I think I'll be reading on :D I hope I didn't come off as too critical, because it wasn't meant that way at all! Happy writing ^^