|Review:||teh tarik says:|
Arrrggh. Wrote a rather long review for you then pressed backspace to erase a word and the whole page went back instead and arrrgh. Lost everything. :(
Anyway, hello there Whiskey :) Returning your wonderful review for the holiday swap. And I'm really glad to find this story's been updated!
And wow, things are definitely picking up in this chapter! The pacing seems to have sped up and there's plenty of action. Also, I'm happy to see that there's more than just surface action; you really are developing Morgan's character, particularly her angrier and more vindictive side. There's definitely a dark undercurrent to the events of this chapter, and there's plenty of tension and conflict. And I'm glad you managed to surprise me with Morgan's impulsive actions - particularly her umm...vandalising of Theodore's face :) I really like the idea that this side of her is starting to express itself (and possibly hint on spiralling out of control in the future) - She couldn't remember doing any of it. She knew could recall the sight of her hand holding the lipstick, but she could no longer connect that hand to herself. This was very well done (although there's some sort of error in the last sentence). You made her actions very convincing through the detail of your narrative e.g. the part where Morgan pulls Theodore's lips and releases them. That was grotesque and a very striking scene, but entirely believable! I can really imagine her doing that. I think the details are one of your strongest points of your narrative; your ability to evoke a scene where people move and act and talk realistically is great. I also appreciate the careful (but not overdone) description of the painting of Morague. It's very very well-written. (is this a real picture or did you make this up? I wouldn't know.)
I also enjoyed the way you fit your story around canon, in particular, the events of Philosopher's Stone. I feel terribly sorry for Hermione, knowing that she had to endure not just Ron making fun of her but Morgan as well. And Malfoy ragging on Morgan's cultural differences was very convincing as well. You've certainly expanded on Malfoy's prejudices very well.
I was wondering if this chapter had a little too much in it. This is somewhat similar to the critique you left for my story :) But anyway, there are so many significant moments here - and by that I mean scenes which you've gone into some level of detail to depict. There's the faerie bit, the part with Malfoy, the part where Morgan lashes out at Hermione, the part with Theodore, and finally the twins and troll bit. It does flow very smoothly, but by the end of the chapter, some of the earlier moments are forgotten, or pale in comparison with more recent events. E.g. the faerie part. And this is a shame because you obviously went to certain lengths to write the scene. I'm wondering if it will fit better in a different chapter, especially one with a slower pace.
I would also suggest you pay close attention to your sentences; some of them are rather clunky and awkward sounding. e.g. Morgan was blankly glaring at the back of the blond head in front of her. It belonged to a bony body in black robes and was bent over one of the many tables that lined the amply windowed wall of the library. Not sure how someone could "blankly glare", as blank sort of implies lack of focus, while glare suggests intensity of focus. It's a rather ambiguous and oxymoronic description. And also, the second sentence was very heavy with the adjectives. Sentences like these can make the narrative a little hard to get through; perhaps breaking them up further or losing a few unnecessary adjectives might do the trick.
What happened to the narrator? Either he or she became a lot more subtle or just wasn't present in this chapter...:) I can't remember if there were chapters where the narrator was completely absent...
And there are some errors here and there: the late-night Herbology lesson was scheduled after dinner, and yet by the end of the lesson, it was only just beginning to become dark. Additionally, you described this as the "cool blue light of dawn". Also, would a greenhouse have "opaque windows" and "soft curtains"? Unless this was mentioned in the books and I can't remember :) Also, the Molass or Monass (you provided two different spellings, each mentioned only once) feels more like an animal rather than a plant - and they're described as "creatures" and all. Isn't this a Herbology lesson? I guess things like Mandrakes are pretty alive and sentient, but they do have plant characteristics like leaves and all.
Finally, there are typos and grammatical errors here and there. Your prose is generally very fluid and well-written, so these errors do stand out.
Anyway, I actually had other stuff written in...but it got erased. A bit miffed at that :( But this was a fantastic chapter! It really is getting exciting and I'm beginning to see Morgan grow into that dark person she'll become. Great characterisation. Well, hoping to see more of this story soon! Hope I've been of some help and not too critical or anything. And thanks so much for choosing to do the swap with me :)
Author's Response: Ui, oh no! I hate it when that happens! It is at times like that, that I wonder whether we have already reached singularity ages ago and if the fully sentient computers are secretly laughing at us pathetic humans...
Well,now I know to appreciate your review even more, since you actually went back and typed something for me anyways :3
I'm overjoyed that you think i've managed to characterize Morgan well here.I was actually regretting putting up this chapter without tweaking it as much as I thought I should have. It was basically a rough draft, but I just really, reeeaally wanted to update this stroy, it had been months since it had seen any activity and I was so proud of myself for having written something!
It's a relief to know that the "face-vandalizing" (XD) was not too comical. I was afraid that scene would just make people laugh... it's such an odd thing to do and I described it very *seriously*. It was intended to seem slightly absurd, yes, but nevertheless disturbing too. So, yay, the scene worked!
Thank you so much for all of the positive things you wrote! Reading comments telling me I've managed something well make me all fuzzy inside ^^
I have recently learned to pay more attention to detail, and it seems that the effort is paying off. Although I still get impatient sometimes...Like with the things you pointed out later...*sigh*
Spelling and time inconsistencies,yeah... I changed my mind several times about when the herbology lesson would be and decided to place it right before dinner because that would explain why everyone left the greenhouses so quickly...hungry people are very organized! As to the spelling of the Monass...I changed my mind about that several times too and the text bears witness to my thought process apparently. I'll go back and fix the mistakes asap!
Your point about the level of plant-ness of the Monass is quite valid, actually...I imagined them as a mixture between a worm and a big alien seed. So ultimately very slimy and gross...and I always signed off slimey and gross things as part of the realm of Herbology. I'll see what I can do about adjusting the description to be more convincing.
You have a point about the painting scene. So far, it belongs more to a subplot than anything else, so I've been trying to sneak in these details without pausing the action of the main story-line. Maybe that isn't the best way. I suppose I'll just take my own advice and split the chapter. Then I could also put in the narrator-bit I had left it out due to length. Really hate long chapters...
This was helpful as always, thank you very much! It was a pleasure swapping with you, keep fighting those mean-spirited computers, we humans will triumph yet (we do in all the movies)!