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Review:ashleydelacour says:
Hey patronus! Here's your requested review!

I think this is a pretty strong, basic chapter for the beginning of a story. I always find the train ride of the year to be a good stage for setting the story, which I think you did well in describing all the characters and letting us know who is going to be the frontrunner's of the story. I'm afraid there's not a terrible amount I can comment on story-wise, as the train ride is a pretty basic platform for the beginning of stories. Nothing bad, but just basic. But don't worry, I did it in my stories several times too.

The biggest concern of mine is punctualization. I see commas where they're not needed, and absent where they are. I feel a little confused and have to take a little extra time in my head to insert the commas myself as I read them, because the sentences either stop abruptly, or they run on because they're missing those. The best advice I can give you is to read your chapter out loud, and see what a difference it will make when you actually read the sentences out loud, because I think you may find out what I mean.

The best advice my English teacher form high school ever gave me is to ALWAYS read your writing aloud before submitting it, because your brain is cheering you on silently while you read, whereas your tongue and ears will point out mistakes your brain overlooks because its already familiar with the writing, so you'll mentally fill in gaps that you don't notice, because your not listening to how it sounds. It's a mistake that everyone makes, and its easily correctable.

Would love to read some more if you would like to re-request. Good luck!

-ashleydelacour

Author's Response: Ha thanks I know I need to read before submitting I know I need to fix the commas I'll have to make sure I do it queue reopens. Thanks for the great advice I'll make sure I'll use it :)

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