Ugh, I am so depressed now after reading this. It was that middle section with Lee especially -- so heartbreaking. The way that he thinks he could be Fred, but not only that, his inner monologue was translated really well, with the right amount of desperation and urgency, and it shows how strongly they identify together. We have the same body, the same laugh. Weíre as good as the same, interchangeable. So I shut my eyes for a second, and when I opened them again, they werenít mine anymore. They were Fredís. I lugged myself up with Fredís arms and back and shoulders. And the way Lee finds out D:
Oh, and this line from the beginning, too! I might have clapped my palm over his mouth Ė I might have forced that last breath back in. George's thoughts are written wonderfully in these parts. I can still feel how his body is overtaken by shock. It's not quite overwhelming grief yet, like it is at the end, which is another tearjerker entirely with Ginny helping him hold Fred :c
I think there are some words that jarred me out of the moment slightly, because they didn't mesh with the context as well, mostly with the shorter phrases: My legs got up by themselves and walked me out. Hogwarts was all torn up for example is a bit awkward with the phrasing, and some description is overly brief, as I didn't get the best image of the castle and fighting, though the people and the slower moments were very vivid in my head.
But I really think you hit the emotional pull on the dot, I was ready to get all teary and everything by the end. George! ;_;
Author's Response: Aww, thanks for your lovely review :D Hopefully I didn't ruin your mood for the day or anything...
I'm so glad you think George's thoughts are well-written! I've been trying to convey his sense of shock and slight loss of touch with reality and hopefully I've been convincing enough without being too melodramatic :) I will definitely go through the chapter again and examine those parts with awkward sentences; I can get quite obsessive with sentence structures as well as diction :D So thank you so much for pointing those out to me.
As for the areas of overly brief description...I've had several reviewers give me their opinions on the sparseness of description at certain parts of the story. I actually did cut out a fair amount of description (of setting and other action) in my editing, because I wanted to be really tight about my use of language. Also, I do have to be true to George's viewpoint, especially since I'm using first person POV, which can be really limiting. There are things which he focuses on in greater detail (e.g. Fred's body) and I would think that in his state of shock, other less important (to him) details (e.g. other people fighting) would be a blur, or perhaps even be unnoticed. Well, hopefully I've been convincing enough :D First person does have its limitations!
Anyway, thanks so much once again for your review and all your valuable feedback! Happy hols :D