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Review:ashleydelacour says:
Hi Lorenzo. Here's your review:

I think you have a solid introduction. I like the metaphor of being a panther in the jungle. Overall, your writing is a delight to read as it is so descriptive and really leads the reader to fill their head’s with vivid colors and imagery. You set your canvas well.

The only issues I have with the one shot are some of the grammar. I found as follows, with corrections written in bold/italics:

-“Hufflepuff WILL finally have something to be honored with. “

-I would put a little introduction to the lead-up of the vision he’s having with Dumbledore shaking his hand. You make it seem like it is happening presently, when it’s not. The tense is off. A figure pushing through the crowd, breaking free. The second one was right, but the first one was past tense, whereas the latter was present tense. Those are tricky sometimes, but they make all the difference in the flow of your story that was otherwise really well done. : )

-“…innocently twinkling at me”. Get rid of the “sat” in the sentence; it’s an extra word that isn’t needed. Wasn’t sure if this was a typo or not, so I just thought I’d point it out.

-“…cheering of the crowd like I dreamed had I had been pulled back into a world of green?” I think you might have an extra had in there.

“I become aware of how I am stood”. Again, the tense is off. “I became aware of how I was standing” or “My readying poise was prepared for the fight…” or something to that affect. The word stood is the needs to be changed or taken out and substituted for another word.

On a less critical note, this was a really creative idea, and I really enjoyed reading it. I think your characterization of Cedric was realistic, as we only see him as this confident, charming guy that seems to have no flaws. He’s a hero and Hogwarts’ sweetheart. In that unrealistic light, it was nice to see what kind of insecurities Cedric might have, even though he never came out forthright and revealed what they are. It makes a lot of sense for him to be jealous’ of Harry’s affection for Cho, even though Cedric has the girl already, because Harry is put on such a high pedestal by the Wizarding world, so it makes sense that Cedric would be a little shaken as Harry is given so much attention by everyone.

Good job!

Author's Response: Oh thank you for such a lovely review! I'm really glad you enjoyed the description and thought the characterisation was good, I was most worried about that!

Thank you for the corrections... I'll sort them out when the queue opens up again after xmas =)

Thanks again!
Lauren


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