Ho, ho, ho! This is the second installment of your Holiday Review Swap review!
After two chapters, I'm starting to like the narrator's exposition that presages each chapter. Some of it could be worked into the body of the chapter, I suppose, but in this case it's such abstract, high-level material that making it sound like a natural part of a conversation with Fred and George Weasley would have consumed the entire chapter. Her past is now all out there for the reader to contemplate as they watch her interact with the twins.
She gets off to such a good start with Fred and George. Laughing, joking, seeming altogether like a normal eleven-year-old girl. She seems enthralled with Fred and George. In a way, I found it a little surprising that she took up with them so quickly and was so open to doing what they suggested. The way that she naively accepted the sweet that Fred gave her seemed sort of contrary to the way the narrator described her in the preface of the chapter. If her brand of showmanship involved unattainability, I have to say that she seems very attainable in the first section of this. Perhaps what we're seeing is all of her secret wishes coming out. At any rate, I thought it felt like everything happened very fast. The narrator had built her up as somebody who maintained a certain distance from those around her because of the transient nature of her life, so the way that she befriends Fred and George so quickly seemed quite sudden.
Well, at least she's learned her lesson with trusting Fred and George. Her emotional reaction to being pranked felt perfectly consistent with the girl described in the preface. She had let her guard down for a time and things didn't work out the way she expected, so she recoils in anger and embarrassment. I like how you started to explore her thoughts on how this is how it feels to be "normal". I wish you had taken it farther, given the time she had to herself in the toilet. At least so far, this story seems to hinge around Morgan's feelings and her emotional state. This section would have been a good place to incorporate some of the thoughts contained in the narrator's preface.
I loved the way that she scared the pants off of Fred and George. Their reaction was pretty priceless. It's unusual to see other characters really get the best of them, with the exception of Dumbledore in their sixth year. And it seems that it made a strong impression on the two of them.
So those are my thoughts, in a nutshell. I think that working more of her thoughts and feelings into the body of the chapter would have added something. Overall, your writing is very good, though. I didn't see any sort of typos or grammatical problems.
Author's Response: Hey!!! Wow another review!! How awesome :D:D
You are correct to feel uneasy about the the narration, I've been fighting with it ever since the first chapter was writen. The amount of copy and pasting and itallicizing, then non-itallicizing I've been doing is... alot :P Still little results on the matter, my mind has yet to come up with a brialliant idea that will save the structure of this story...
Hm, I like your point about Morgan getting friendly with the twins too fast. When I pictured it, it seemed to make sense, but now, in the light of the arguments you bring, some explanation is needed! Very glad you ponted this out! I will try to either add some explanatory moment about how she was feeling lonely and opened up despite herself, or i will adjust the dialogue. I just liked the strength of the betrayal she must have felt if she had actually trusted them. Being unattainable doesn't mean one isn't trusting, it just means one usually doesn't get the chance to trust. But if people are forthcoming, persistent and if there is flirting involved.Hm, I have to think about this!
Exploring her thoughts on normality,hm,another interesting point! I guess I could do that :) Since Morgan has caused for many different reactions, it would mkese sense to try to show more of what goes on in her mind as early as the second chapter!
Thank you for taking the time to reflect on the chapter, you have given me some good food for thought!