Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:momotwins says:
I don't see a lot of Percy-centered stories out there, so it always makes me happy to see one. I love all the Weasleys, and though Percy isn't my favorite, he does get a lot of flak from the fans, not all of which he maybe deserves.

You made the hemming and hawing over writing the letter very interesting. I also liked the touch you gave it of her suggesting 12:30 and Percy countering with 12:35, the little power play there like he wants to be in control even when it's meaningless really (like 5 minutes matters!).

Break-ups are so tough, ugh. Penelope handled it very gracefully, she put it out there how she felt and didn't make any accusations.

I would offer some CC regarding your dialogue. When you use a pronoun in your dialogue marker, you don't capitalize the pronoun. You also should not use more than one punctuation mark. For example, in your story:

"What's wrong?," He asked.

This should read "What's wrong?" he asked.

I would also watch the overuse of "said". Now, I'm a big fan of using "said" when "said" is what's happening - I think people unnecessarily avoid the word - but you also don't want to use it exclusively. Throwing in some variety makes a big difference, particularly in expressing emotions.

You asked for an opinion on the ending in particular. I don't think it falls flat exactly, but the final sentence is a little pat. I would actually dump it altogether and end with the "...guilt that was in my stomach." sentence as a lead-in to the continuation of the story (since you said you're extending it into a short story).

I hope this was helpful, and thanks for pointing me toward it. It's a good start, I hope you continue!

WTM

Author's Response: Thanks so much for this lovely long review. Its been so helpful. Your tips about the dialogue has been extremely helpful as dialogue has never really been one of my strong points.

I wasn't to sure if Penelope would come across as a bit mean during the breakup as when I was writing this, I thought that she was maybe a little bit to tough. So I'm really glad that you think she handled it pretty gracefully.

Also thanks a lot for your opinion on the ending. I'm still that not fond of it, so I really like your suggestion about ending with "...guilt that was in my stomach." as a lead in too the next chapter.

Thanks again for this lovely review.
Charlie

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Submit Report:  





All stories remain the property of their authors and must not be copied in any form without their consent. This is an unofficial, not for profit site, and is in no way connected with J.K. Rowling, Scholastic Books or Bloomsbury Publishing or Warner Bros. It is not endorsed by any of the aforementioned parties. Rights to characters and their images is neither claimed nor implied. The use of photographs and/or the likeness of any person contained herein does not imply endorsement of any kind. Any depictions were obtained through publically available sources and therefore fall under fair use. Although we may provide links to other websites, we are not responsible for any material at these sites. You acknowledge that you link to these other websites at your own risk. All original administrative content is copyright of the site owner and must not be copied in any form (electronic or otherwise) without the prior consent of the siteowner. ©2000-2012 Fanfictionworld.net

[terms of service] [report abuse] [privacy policy] [site credits]
 
 

navigation

home

search HPFF
read stories
write stories
login/register
get help
site links
forums
podcasts
Terms of Service
Site Rules
contact us

  
 
 

categories & genres

Genre:
- crossover
- drama
- fluff
- general
- horror/dark
- humor
- mystery
- romance
- action/adventure
- angst
- au
- young adult

Popular Pairings:
- harry/ginny
- ron/hermione
- james/lily
- draco/hermione
- more...

Format:
- one-shot
- short story
- novella
- novel
- short story collection
- songfic

  
 
 

quick links

my account
ToS
random story
site rules
help
merchandise


  
 
 

fanfictionworld.net