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Review:momotwins says:
I don't see a lot of Percy-centered stories out there, so it always makes me happy to see one. I love all the Weasleys, and though Percy isn't my favorite, he does get a lot of flak from the fans, not all of which he maybe deserves.

You made the hemming and hawing over writing the letter very interesting. I also liked the touch you gave it of her suggesting 12:30 and Percy countering with 12:35, the little power play there like he wants to be in control even when it's meaningless really (like 5 minutes matters!).

Break-ups are so tough, ugh. Penelope handled it very gracefully, she put it out there how she felt and didn't make any accusations.

I would offer some CC regarding your dialogue. When you use a pronoun in your dialogue marker, you don't capitalize the pronoun. You also should not use more than one punctuation mark. For example, in your story:

"What's wrong?," He asked.

This should read "What's wrong?" he asked.

I would also watch the overuse of "said". Now, I'm a big fan of using "said" when "said" is what's happening - I think people unnecessarily avoid the word - but you also don't want to use it exclusively. Throwing in some variety makes a big difference, particularly in expressing emotions.

You asked for an opinion on the ending in particular. I don't think it falls flat exactly, but the final sentence is a little pat. I would actually dump it altogether and end with the "...guilt that was in my stomach." sentence as a lead-in to the continuation of the story (since you said you're extending it into a short story).

I hope this was helpful, and thanks for pointing me toward it. It's a good start, I hope you continue!


Author's Response: Thanks so much for this lovely long review. Its been so helpful. Your tips about the dialogue has been extremely helpful as dialogue has never really been one of my strong points.

I wasn't to sure if Penelope would come across as a bit mean during the breakup as when I was writing this, I thought that she was maybe a little bit to tough. So I'm really glad that you think she handled it pretty gracefully.

Also thanks a lot for your opinion on the ending. I'm still that not fond of it, so I really like your suggestion about ending with "...guilt that was in my stomach." as a lead in too the next chapter.

Thanks again for this lovely review.

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