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Review:academica says:
Hello, I'm back for chapter two :)

One thing I noticed is a lot of large spaces between paragraphs/lines. This typically happens if you just copy and paste directly from your word processor. I used to have this problem, so now I always use the Simple Editor. You have to go through and add in the bold, italics, centering, etc., but it does seem to make the chapters look much cleaner overall.

Sirius plays Quidditch here? Cool! I always felt like it would fit in with his personality and his friendship with James, and I'm glad to see it included.

My major critique here is that the dialogue and action both seem a bit more shallow than in the previous chapter. We know from canon that James and Sirius liked to prank Snape, got detention frequently, and came across as being arrogant. I think you sort of missed an opportunity here to expand on why you think all of that happened. Same thing with the dialogue--you can step out of the realm of the cliche by varying the conversation a little so it isn't just witty banter between Sirius and a pretty girl. As it is, I don't see why they would be attracted to each other. There's nothing obviously vulnerable about either of them. The stuff you fill in between the cliche and canon is what will make this Marauders story unique :) I also think adding in more in those respects will help slow down the quick pace of this chapter.

I did like to get a glimpse of the interaction between Jane and Sirius, though. It was kind of cute that they lost track of time in detention because they were enjoying getting to know each other. I hope to see more fluff in the future!

Hope both of these reviews have been helpful!


Author's Response: Oh my gosh, thank-you so much. I've been trying to fix the huge paragraph problem for months! I'll use the Simple Editor from now on.

Yeah, I liked writing Sirius on the Quidditch team. Particularly the actual Quidditch matches that are in the much later chapters, where we meet the rest of the team. I'm not too happy with the way this chapter turned out, so thanks for your advice. I'll try to restructure it and expand on everything a bit more. Thanks so much, you've been super helpful :)

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