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Review:academica says:
Hello! I'm here for the first part of our swap :) I'm going to work on a couple chapters here and there until I finish. Looks like it's going to be a great story!

Okay, my first thought was oh, no, not another playboy Sirius! but I actually like what you've done with him here. He seems to fit with what JKR intended in her brief characterization of him: he's clearly attractive, but he doesn't take advantage of it unless he wants to have a little fun. He's not continually being draped with women; instead, he actually feels a little anxiety about being faced with a pretty girl in whom he has a real interest. I really like him so far, so very nice work!

I like the characterization of your OC, too. I like that she's not fiery and hot-headed, the type of girl to just walk right up to Sirius and take him down a few notches. I would like to see a little more softness from her in his direction; if she feels bad for James, it seems to follow logically that she might feel a twinge of pity for Sirius, especially if she has witnessed the way other members of his family treat him for being in Gryffindor. I also like how James is already sort of sympathetic here. It almost makes Lily look like the unreasonable one!

I like your imagery a lot. The thought of Jane's injury actually made me cringe a little bit :D

Technically, this chapter is pretty good. I didn't see a whole lot of problems with grammar, spelling, or punctuation. There were a couple of places where you missed a dialogue tag, so you might want to look for those little missteps when proofreading, but there's really nothing here that gave me pause.

The ending here was interesting. On the one hand, I really liked the idea of covering Peter up with blankets and pillows and then Remus telling James and Sirius off for doing something so dangerous. All of that seems quite in character to me. The dream, I have to admit, seemed a tad tacked-on. I think you could improve it a little by spreading it out beyond one big paragraph and focusing on the imagery, to help the reader sympathize with Sirius's emotions, be they fear or mere confusion.

Hope this is helpful! I'm going to do chapter two now and then I'll be back to continue later. Looking forward to getting your thoughts on Post Scriptum :)

Amanda

Author's Response: Hi!

I'm so glad you're liking the first impression of Sirius. I hope you continue to like him.

We'll certainly learn more about Jane in the coming chapters. You're right. She's not a hot-headed type of girl. At the moment she doesn't know much about Sirius Black at all, but when they learn more about each other, they'll warm up to one another.

I'll have another look through the chapter to fix the missing dialogue tags.

I agree with the dream feeling a little tacked-on. I think you're right about spreading it out a little more.

I'm a few chapters into Post Scriptum, so I'll post some reviews after I respond to your other review :)


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