Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:teh tarik says:
Hello there! Sorry for the splinched review...ran out of characters :/

Anyway, continuing from my previous review, which ended mid-paragraph:

Descriptions like "that dark growling creature" in Morgan's mind (Chapter 3) are a bit of a cliche, and rather melodramatic. Adjectives like "outrageous" and "despicable" (Chapter 1 again) used to refer to Morgan are non-descriptive, but very strong opinionated words and these indicate the narrator's clear judgement toward Morgan. I think it would be better if your narrator were a little more subtle, and more restrained. This is my opinion, but I feel it would be perfect if you could develop that rather detached, clinical voice of his/hers, analysing Morgan's descent into the Dark Side :D There are moments when this side of him/her surfaces, but they aren't too consistent.

I was also wondering if you needed to italicise the narration at all, seeing as the commentary is not confined to those italicised sections at all. Throughout the story, the narrator makes his/her presence known, offering insight at certain points in Morgan's life. Those last three paragraphs of Chapter 5 starting with "It would take Morgan a long time etc." sounded like they were purely commentary, but were not italicised at all. I think its important to maintain consistency with the form of the writing.

And OK, minor nitpick: watch out for sudden, abrupt POV shifts. Aside from the narrator's observations, you've pretty much written the story in third person limited, following Morgan's thoughts. So in Chapter 3 in the scene with Theodore Nott (excellent scene by the way), there was a rather disconcerting POV shift from Morgan to Theodore here:

After a surprised pause, Theodore began laughing as well.

His mind promptly produced images of making people disappear entirely. Just pop, and his father was gone, nothing but a smoking blotch on the armchair. Another pop, and Aunt Beatrice melted away, dragging those itchy dress robes into the abyss with her.


It was rather sudden and inconsistent as it was done only once, so do be careful. Finally, do go through some minor scenes...a couple of them feel a little forced, especially the way the feud between Morgan and Hermione began.

Err...wow, umm, I didn't realise I would write such a novel when I began reviewing! But I did read all 5 chapters of it in one go and got very engaged with the story...well, anyway, I think you've got a really great story here, and the concept is very original, as is the characterisation. So I hope that my comments will help improve your story further. I really hope this hasn't been too critical and it has been a very enjoyable read, and I will be reading future chapters. Good luck with writing them; feel free to PM me if you have any questions with anything I said.

-teh

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 160
Submit Report: