Hello! Here for the battle!
Wow! I can't believe this is your first story! It's totally fab. Very correct, spelling and grammarwise, which is more than I can say for my first story, cough cough ♥.
I also thought that your use of description was A+ as it really added to the mood of the story, and allowed the reader to understand the literal actions and movements of the characters, even though it was told in first person.
I have only a few peeves with this story, and they are really very small. The first is that the formatting is a bit off, but don't worry about that! The formatting on this site is a bit hard, but you'll get the hang of it (I think I just about have!). The other is your italicisation of 'impervious' when you were referring to the charm. I don't know why it irked me, it just seemed somehow unnecessary.
On the other hand, I thought the way you kept the mystery and suspense going on all the way through this story was completely fabulous, and it is a truly hard thing to do! I was completely enthralled, and I have the attention span of a gnat hehe.
I also found the way you didn't reveal what the society was wonderful- It is a common thing on this site to have the plot laid out in the first chapter, making it pretty well pointless to read on, however, you certainly didn't do that, and I'm just about drooling to continue!
The last thing I adore, is your final line! it's just so... wow! I love it! It just fills the atmosphere and world that you've already created with a kind of jolt, and creates a moving plot! It's totally wonderful.
I'm sorry if i was a little incoherent in this review, it's just the sheer quality of your storytelling surprised me! I have no doubt that a book with this quality writing could be sold easily in a bookstore, it's much better than many published books!
Thank you so much for giving me the chance to broaden my horizons a little and read this, it really was wonderful. Keep writing lots and lots! ♥ ♥
Author's Response: AUGGGH!! You're awesome!! I love you for saying all that stuff!!
A bookstore?! Me?! No... Pshh, I'm blushing. :)
As for grammar and stuff, well, I'm kind of the Grammar Police. I love grammatic accuracy, and I know how painful it is to read inaccurately spelled fanfiction. (I do it all the time... Glutton for punishment?)
Your peeves are very relevant and definitely true. As you can probably tell, I have no idea what I'm doing, except for writing stories. When it comes to formatting, I'm a derp. o.O
The Impervius was italicized because I thought it was supposed to be italicized... I don't know if it should be or not. One day in the (probably distant) future when I edit this chapter, I'll take a look at that and see if I can fix everything.
Thank you for loving my story!!! I love it when nice people like you say nice things about my writing... It makes my whole day better!! :D