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Review:UnluckyStar57 says:
Hi! It's me from the forums, here with your review.

First of all, I'd like to say that this story is off to a really great start. It's interesting and it's just the sort of thing I like to read. You made this chapter funny while still retaining the sanity to talk of more serious matters. I like that!!

There are just a few characterization/unfolding of events things that I must mention:

In the third paragraph, the sentence "There's really nowhere for him to go, though." I see that in the following sentence, you've established the reason and the setting, but for me, the sentence I quoted seems a bit out-of-place. If you could establish the setting before that sentence, I think it would make a lot more sense.

The sentence "Glasses are clinking...right next to him," is syntactically a bit awkward. If you tweaked it a bit; perhaps in the vein of "Glasses are clinking, people are shouting to be heard over the noise of the mob," it might be less awkward. Of course, any and all suggestions I make are based on personal preference, so don't take it to heart if I say something that interferes completely with your intentions. I don't mean to, I promise!

In the Seamus paragraph, the garlic pancakes don't exactly fit with the sleeping places. Perhaps take that phrase out and make a new sentence out of it, like "We woke up in the mornings to the smell of her garlic potato pancakes."
...Maybe. I'm not exactly sure of what your intentions were for that phrase.

Also in that paragraph, I don't understand why Seamus is not a womanizer if he thinks they should think highly of him. And I'm not sure how he helps them think highly of h by flirting with them. Those lines were a little fuzzy for me to digest.

Edie thinking in Roman numerals was quite funny. It was a nice interruption from the memories and descriptions back to the action.

As for Dean's story, how did he and Edie meet? Did she attend the art school, or were they always just friends from Hogwarts? What is their connection in life after Hogwarts? I just need a bit of elaboration on that part.

The pick-up line and the grandmother's blaze of glory made me laugh. They were definitely my favorite quirky thoughts that Edie had. :)

And Edie's internship sounds pathetic. :( It must be really difficult for her to put up with all that without going over the edge of crazy!!

All in all, I enjoyed the chapter and I like the characters so far. Great story! :)

~~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your suggestions! I can't remember if I mentioned it on the forums or not, but I'm constantly editing and re-posting new chapters. I see exactly what you mean with my sentences needing more clarification and will add that to my to-do list!

In the sentence with the garlic potato pancakes (yum!) I was trying to convey Dean, Seamus and Edie all going out for a night on the town in Cork and crashing at Mrs. Finnegan's flat. Then they fall asleep on sofas, floors, etc. in their drunken stupor and all arise haggardly when they smell her cooking her potato pancakes in the morning.

Also, I meant that Seamus thinks that women should think highly of and respect themselves--thank you so much for pointing that out though, I totally don't want to give that impression!

I also certainly need to explain exactly how Edie, Dean and Seamus became friends. I do it really, REALLY late... like, Chapter Nine or something. I'm taking your suggestion to explain it earlier on!

Thank you so very much for all of your help. I really appreciate it and am off to edit now! :)


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