|Review:||Pretense Of Perfection says:|
I think the concept of your plot is quite entertaining, and with some more in depth thought and execution this could turn out to be a completely brilliant story.
That being said, I feel as though Dumbledore is slightly out of character. He's a tough one, in which mainly what we've seen and heard from him he's been around Harry, whom he's quite fond of, but given his advanced age and position in the school, and for lack of a better word, I feel he sort of lacked any tact or real emotion when relaying the events to Dorcas.
Some of the writing is a little difficult to read..it's a bit choppy and could use more transition into certain sequences to make things flow more smoothly.
And it could just be me, but on occasion when reading the larger pieces of dialouge between multiple characters, I get confused about who is doing or saying what. Specifically what comes to mind is Dorcas' run in with Bella, when Bella curses at her, and then Dorcas wants her to apologize, and Bella pulls out her prefect badge etc. etc. I had to re-read it to gather that it was Bella pulling out the badge, and Dorcas wanting a apology.
But overall, as I said before, this shows a lot of promise. Beta readers work wonders, I try to never publish a chapter without one or two others' perspectives and editings first, as they can provide invaluable insight :)
I did also notice, I believe in the previous chapter, Nick calling her the virginal doe, but later on during an inner monolouge about Sirius, she states that they shagged one night in the broom closet. If they snogged and it was a typo, then it would make sense. But if it wasn't a typo, she certainly wouldn't be the virginal doe.
I absolutely love the length of this chapter. I think it works perfectly for the events you have going on, and leaves off in the perfect place. The timing and pacing of the events couldn't be better! It gives the readers just enough to keep them interested, and has just enough individuality to not be a typical Sirius/OC. Keep up the awesome work, I look forward to reading more!
Author's Response: That is what I meant, the virginal doe. I meant tosay snog, but I have to wait for the next chapter to be validated until I can update that. I should use a beta, but I'm considering dropping this again, because I don't have a ton of time on my hands to dedicate this to. I would hate to disappoint anyone with not updating.
If you would be interested in betaing this for me, I would be happy. considering you picked up on one of the smaller details, I am assuming you'd do a nice job.
Thank you again for your review.