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Review:teh tarik says:
Hello! teh tarik here from the forums :)

Well, this is a great first chapter and I'm already quite in love with many aspects of your story. The first sentence is attention-grabbing and pulls the reader in immediately with its sense of action: Sunday afternoons were always busy in the Pink Hippogriff Caf, and today was no exception: Daphne had been rushed off her feet all day, delivering cakes, brewing tea and collecting coins from her many customers. . This is a lovely and very skillful start, sets the pace nicely, and yet it contains some very nice descriptive details. Well done. This is not a very long chapter yet it reveals so much about characters and setting without sounding like it's trying too hard. The pacing is nice and easy, just the right amount of information is revealed and it all flows very nicely.

And there's also that hint of mystery / angst with these sentences:

Again, that flicker of unease. That uncomfortable little whisper in the back of her mind, that reminder- that warning... The small voice of doubt that crept into her mind while she slept, that resurfaced in the quiet moments of her daytimes.

You don't deserve this...


It's all done very well, and it provided a lovely (somewhat darker) contrast to the cheerful, bustling atmosphere of the rest of the story. I think you blend the genres of fluff/humour and angst; the balance in tone and mood is pretty good.

I love your characterisation of Daphne; it detracts nicely from the pureblood Slytherin cliches; she's very easy to relate to, and I love that she's "plump" and yet doesn't care! And this is a great contrast to her sister Astoria. Your description of her - Her clothes were thick and well-made, yet she gave the impression of insubstantiality - is great and there's that air of mystery to her. And can I mention how much I love the fact that Astoria's first words upon Apparating in the midst of a crowded cafe are: "I've done it, Daphne...left him!" This is a wonderful character introduction :D

OK, well, I'll be very interested to see how this story progresses :) It's fun and at the same time there's a slight mystery to it. Great work! Keep writing at it :D

-teh

Author's Response: Hey there! Thanks for dropping by!

I'm so glad you enjoyed the start! I was a little unsure about the first sentence, so it's great to hear that you thought it was okay. So pleased that I managed to introduce everything/one alright, and that it flowed well!

Haha yeah- there are definitely going to be some darker moments to this story, and I wanted to hint at that a bit from the start- I'm glad you picked up on it! One of the challenges I've found writing this has been the blending of genres so it's brilliant that you noticed that as well.

I'm getting very attached to Daphne as a character, and it's absolutely wonderful that you find her relatable! I think she's very determined herself to get away from the Slytherin cliches. And I'm glad you enjoyed Astoria's entrance- I think it sums up her character fairly well to be honest!

So happy that you enjoyed reading this! Your comments have been really useful and encouraging! I hope you continue reading! :)

-Bethany


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