Hey its Whiskey, back for some more reviewing!
First, some general comments. What makes this story really good so far is your ability to pick a theme and to stick to it, develop the idea and illustrate it with poignant examples. In the last chapter, it was a discussion of the line separating two individuals. Now, the topic has switched to, I suppose, the irony of life. These are very broad ideas, but I really felt that you succeeded in exploring them. I might have overinterpreted, but I hope I'm on the right track! XD
What I described above can add a lot to a piece of writing, and compensate for any other drawbacks. That said, there WERE several drawbacks in this chapter that I would like to point out:
First of all, I don't understand why it needs to be narrated by Fred. If you ask me, hearing his voice takes away from the pain and the tragedy of loosing him in the previous chapter. In fact, I feel like it destroys the entire emotional premise. After all, Fred didn't say anything George could not have said. Having George remember the same incident and wonder what Fred would say, "where" he is and how exactly he died would have been very strong and heartbreaking, in my opinion. The last sentence (which I loved by the way,no matter who narrates it) would have been much more layered had George arrived at that conclusion. Admitting that someone you love died in a useless, pathetic fashion is very real and also a step towards character development. having someone saythat about themselves is just bitter and, well,whiney.
Another issue I had with this chapter was the free-verse poetry bits. They were good on their own, but seemed to come out of the blue. If I were you, I would add more such moments. It would underline the transcendental nature of the chapter. After all, we ARE reading a narration by someone from beyond the grave, it's bound to be distroted and unconventional.
Additionally, I would advise you to go over the dialogues and the narration (in the beginning of the chapter). It's not bad, but some parts feel forced. This, for example: "Mostly, we were jinxing suits of armour into swinging about their swords and axes, hacking at each other's breastplates and lopping off helms. There was quite a lot of clanging; it was as though church bells had taken to the school passageways." Or this: "Outside, the night was quilt-thick. In the sky, a sickle-slice of moon looking as though it had swung off its axis, its two points like staples aimed down toward the Astronomy Tower". Both are wonderful descriptions, but I can't see them coming from the mind of a Weasley Twin.
All in all, this is still a wonderful story and I am glad you requested! I will stop here for now, but feel free to re-request any time,I would be happy to read more!
Author's Response: Hello again, Whiskey!
Awww, thanks for leaving a second review! That was completely unexpected and I'm really grateful that you came back to read more and offer more valuable feedback on the story :D
This story was initially meant to be a very short one...maybe two or three chapters but I scrapped that idea and decided on a longer story :) I guess these first couple of chapters might read a bit like dead ends. The second chapter definitely needs rewriting and your suggestions will be very helpful when I get down to doing that :) I was considering moving Fred's narration of his own death further down the story, so there wouldn't be the same scene by two POVs back-to-back, but as the rest of the story has yet to exist, I think I'll only be able to achieve that once the whole thing is out and I can cut and reshuffle the chapters and pieces (time doesn't matter to Fred).
And yes, I was trying to break the mood and atmosphere of grief in this chapter because Fred isn't really grieving his own death, just in a state of shock and bewilderment...maybe there's a bit of regret, don't know :D As for the 'free-verse' bits, I don't think I can cram too much of that in a single chapter :) They are meant to be disruptive, but I do want to moderate the amount used...and they certainly will be used again in future chapters, just not one clump of them in one go.
I'm glad you picked up on the fact that Fred sounds a bit 'whiney', because he's a bit more self-absorbed in this story than George (who by the way will get pretty self-absorbed as well). Well, death does change people doesn't it :D
And thanks for the advice about the descriptions and dialogue! I will have to work over them and cut out all the clunky bits :) So hopefully everything will read a bit smoother the second time round!
OK, thanks once again for your thoughtful review and your opinions! I really appreciate them and I'll probably drop round your review thread to re-request soon :D