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Review:Jchrissy says:
Hi darling! What an interesting start!

I really loved Lily in this. She fits the part of a little girl and youngest child perfectly. I could almost hear her crying when her doll was broken. Poor thing!

I also like that you had the family living at G. place. It seems like such an awesome way to honor Sirius, by putting a family in the home that never really had a decent one.

I do think you should look into getting a beta reader. I love having one to pick up on the little typos I don't catch. Nothing turns reader off faster than poor grammar, and sometimes it's just hard to stop your own mistakes, so I do think you could earn some more readers/followers by either going through and editing your grammar or getting a beta to do it. A reader wants to read story that someone loves enough to put all their efforts into, so even if proof reading is boring, it's important.

I really like the fact that the end brought a serious bit of mystery in! But I felt like I was kind of thrown into that... maybe setting the scene at the beginning of that section, kind of bringing us into it and giving details about what room they're in, is it the middle of the night because the kids didn't go to bed or barely into the evening, are they pacing back and forth or too stressed to move... those kinds of things that really bring this to life.

This first chapter absolutely got me interested though, which is what a first one should do! I think you have a great idea here and could really get a lot of people interested with a bit of work :)!

Jami

Author's Response: Thanks! I have a beta with the other chapters, but she doesn't have time to read the first chapters yet, as she is still working on the later ones.

But I promise that this chapter will get better soon and I am soo happy that you came to review this.
~Phoenix


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