|Review:||teh tarik says:|
Hello! teh tarik here with your requested review :)
This is a really lovely Harry/Ginny oneshot! There's that idea of two lovers separated by distance but looking up at the same moon in the same night, and while this is a concept which may be somewhat overused in romance stories, your piece captured my interest with its lovely language, beautiful imagery, and profound exploration of the characters' emotional states.
These are some of my favourite descriptive lines:
Dark shapes of leaves on trees prevent you from seeing it in its entirety, like tiny wings of butterflies against the vision of the world.
The edges of it are fringed in delicate frost, like lacework edging. You reach forward and push; the window gives easily, and a cold wind blows in through the small crack.
There is lovely attention to detail, and a great sense of fragility to the descriptive prose, which sort of does underline Harry and Ginny's thinly held-together relationship and their current life situations. I also particularly liked the part where Ginny sees the black paint on the walls "wishing him luck"; this moment sort of takes the reader outside of Ginny's head for awhile and subtly drops in moments of context of the situation in Hogwarts. Great job.
The use of second person POV does flow nicely and is unforced, so well done for that. Initially I had reservations about the italicised Ginny's POV suddenly cutting in out of nowhere; the shift was a bit sudden and it did disrupt the flow a little as there was no clue that there was going to be a second character's voice in the narrative preceding that part. I was at first going to suggest that you separate Ginny's voice by something more than italics - perhaps using extra space or asterisks and segmenting the story a little more. But then I read your ending and saw that you were trying to merge the two POVs together, and I suppose it does make sense blending them together from the beginning. I would suggest that you reword the start of Ginny's POV (or the ending of Harry's first POV segment) in order to soften the disruption and to make the transition smoother. But maybe that's just me - so it's up to you, really.
And now, the ending. The ending was gorgeous, and the merging of Harry and Ginny's POVs was a lovely stylistic feature and pretty much seamless. Your story ends with a strong sense of hope, and I don't think you could have written a better ending. The end also ties nicely with an earlier sentence: You lay your hand to your chest, as though it might do some good, and pretend that you are comforting her as well.
This is done remarkably well; great work on that!
One thing I'd look out for: you've described things (the weather, the stones, the air etc.) as being "cold" many times. I think the reader will know and remember the "coldness" of the setting and atmosphere etc. the first few times, so the repetition of "cold" is not really needed.
OK, to wrap up: great work on this story! Your prose, imagery and narrative style are wonderful and aesthetically pleasing, and your characters display a poignant moment of vulnerability and I like the detail you've gone into to explore this moment. Great work; I really enjoyed reading and thanks for requesting at my thread :)
Hope I've been helpful and not too critical or anything.
Author's Response: Thank you for being willing to review this for me -- and with such an in-depth review, too! That is just fantastic. :)
The description was definitely something I went after intentionally, and I'm so glad that it worked for you. I always put quite a bit of description in my stories; I don't think I sit down and set out to do it, but that's how it always turns out, you know? And that bit about the paint on the wall -- I always try and make my stories as realistic as possible, and where I can, to ground them into canon.
As for the switching points of view, it's something I did in an earlier one-shot (where Ron and Hermione were the focal characters, and Hermione's side was in italics), so I think I'l leave it as is. :3 But I can see your side! I'll see if I can reword that a bit, perhaps. I'm always one for making the reader work a bit, though -- handing out everything on a silver platter's not my way! ;)
I love writing endings like that, though. "Coming Home" had one of those as well, and I just really liked the way it worked, two points of view basically melding to be one. I'm so happy you thought it was cool, too! ♥
Thank you again for being willing to leave me a review on this. It really does mean a lot to me, and your review was wonderful! Hoping to see you back here quite soon! :3