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Review:CambAngst says:
Hi, there! Here is your review from the Gryffindor November Review Swap.

I really liked your characterization of ten-year-old Teddy. He seems to have all of the typical wants, needs and anxieties for a child that age. His thoughts seemed perfectly in line with the life he's led. As much as his "adoptive" family might love him and accept him, there's still a distinction there that's very meaningful to a child. He wants it removed. He doesn't want to worry that one more child might displace him from Uncle Harry and Aunt Ginny's home. It all makes perfect sense.

I loved the idea of the tree house and especially how it came to have the protective enchantments that keep the children from falling out. And the fact that the children quickly made a game of those enchantments fit perfectly with these characters. The first attempt at luring him down, the Quidditch game, was clever and I liked little James and Albus trying to get him to agree. I wasn't quite so wild about the way you wrote Molly. I can't quite imagine her yelling at Teddy quite that forcefully, mostly because of the way that she always treated Harry. Teddy isn't her grandson, and she would probably know better than to think she could intimidate him, anyway.

The conversation between Teddy and Victoire definitely had the right idea. She comes across as very sweet and very insightful for her age. Clearly she's thought through what it means to be related to somebody and how her uncle must have felt about his adoptive family. The way that she refuses to back down from him and gets him to open up was nicely done. What I didn't like quite as much was her dialog. Parts of it felt too mature for her age. This line in particular jumped out at me: "Uncle Harry's an orphan like you. His parents died too, fighting the same enemy." Especially the part about how Harry's parents died. I'm not sure that's something the family would have told the children at such a young age.

I don't know whether this was on purpose, but Louis in the second section made for such a nice contrast to Teddy in the first section. The way that he's cross with everyone because of his situation struck me. All of the younger Potter/Weasley children came across as charmingly immature, actually. Victoire seems to manage them all rather well, considering it's her wedding day.

Lily's line struck me as a little off: "I look like a bloomin’ pastry let alone a bridesmaid" The phrase "let alone" usually implies a negative comparison involving two degrees of the same type of thing, so I'm not sure it fits between "pastry" and "bridesmaid."

You wrapped it up beautifully in the end. Teddy's change of heart seemed perfectly genuine and the contrast to his younger self was perfect.

Aside from the couple of issues I pointed out above, I thought your writing was lovely in this.

Suggestions? Maybe you could have let James and Albus linger a bit longer when they try to talk Teddy out of the tree house. It would heighten the contrast with Victoire's approach to persuasion if the tried -- and failed -- to get him down by appealing to his masculinity. (e.g., "Come on, Teddy! The girls are gonna beat us! We need your help!") Also, I think it would help to make it a little more clear in the beginning that the tree house is in Harry and Ginny's yard. I didn't figure that part out until he and Victoire are climbing down.

If this was your first story, you did a good job with it. Congratulations!

Author's Response: Thank you for such a long, useful and awesome review - it has immense detail that can really help me improve.
I agree with all of the bits you pointed out, and thank you so much for clearing up the molly characterisation and the Victoire dialogue, because even as I was writing that I was doubtful. This is such a rich-in-detail, helpful and constructive review, thank you so much. I look forward to reading Detox very soon! :)


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