Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:teh tarik says:
Hello! teh tarik here with your requested review=)

So this is a great start! Lupin's voice comes off very strongly here; I can feel his sense of loss and despair, the regret and the what-ifs. The prologue is written very straightforwardly;there's a moving and almost heartwrenching honesty to his narration. The language is relatively well-controlled, and there's a closed-off atmosphere of grief, and as I mentioned earlier, personal loss.

While you have good control of tone and mood, there are some sentences that throw me off a little, e.g.

It had seemed that my world had shattered into a million tiny fragments, which seemed to pierce my heart in my every waking moment.

This is clearly very hyperbolic language and it is a little melodramatic. It disrupts that well-controlled introspective tone of despair, and it does stand out from the rest of the narrative. Also, there's a bit of cliche in that phrase; if you're still keen on keeping that concept of "my world shattering into a million tiny fragments", I suggest you reword it slightly. Maybe take out the "million" or something. This is just my personal recommendation.

Another thing I would remove from the prologue would be the final paragraph. It's quite clear from the start that Lupin is speaking, especially from the sentence, And, sadly, I must admit that I failed to save three of the people I loved the most.. There's no need for Lupin to introduce himself again. I think your prologue might be fantastic and a great deal stronger if it just ended on the sentence "...when I realized there was no going back." It will certainly build on the sense of tragedy without being melodramatic.

Although your story is in the humour genre, the atmosphere of your prologue is brooding and heavy, and straightforward in its grief. There are no moments of humour in this opening piece at all. I understand that in future chapters the tone will be considerably lighter with the Marauders. I assume that by having this heavy grief-laden prologue precede all the humour, you are trying to create this sense of foreboding over the lighter moments, and that sense of impermanence (that every good thing cannot last etc.). Well, I'm not really sure if you're trying to do this and all, but if you do, my word of advice would be to pay attention to the transitions in mood (from humour to despair etc.) and to think about the types of humour you might be depicting (e.g. fluffy humour or a kind of bleak grim humour or black humour etc.). This will add to the complexity of tone and mood, and will also allow for a great combination of tragedy and humour in this story.

So, anyway, this is my favourite phrase from your prologue:

I can never change my previous decisions, the ones that keep me up at night. I second-guess every decision I've made since the age of five.

It's lovely and subtle, and it works by implication (of Lupin being turned into a werewolf and all) rather than by directly "telling" the reader :) I love it when stories let readers work out the details and implications of things, and I'm hoping there will be more of these moments in your fic.

Finally, your characterisation of Lupin is very good; it's convincing and you paint a very realistic portrait of his grief. I hope to see more sides of him in the future chapters!

I'm not sure if this review is of any help to you. Hope I haven't been too harsh or anything but I think this is a wonderful start and that this story has so much potential. Thanks for requesting at my thread.


-teh

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 696
Submit Report: