Hey there,its Whiskey from the forums!
Can I confess something? This almost made me tear up a tiny bit! It really did. Specifically this moment: "C'mon, we need you". Something about how George had to keep fighting a war that had already destroyed everything...very heartbreaking and a really good - GOOD- detail.
The style was very interesting. Your descriptive choices often corresponded to how I imagined the non-sentimental yet honest Twin brain would think (for example when George watches his mother sob over Fred''s body). On the other hand, there were odd bits such as this: "I opened Fred's mouth, peeled his voice out of my parched throat. It was like pulling off adhesive tape from skin." It's a poignant metaphor, but it's in discordance with the rest of the chapter. This is a matter of opinion, of course, but it just sounded too melodramatic for George. Another example was this:"...like knives and bouncing off the walls and the dust and the dust and the dust." Consecutive "and"s are a good tool for first person narrative, but would Geroge ever talk or think this way? It sounds almost typically feminine to me...
Another thing I noticed was this: "It (Lee's face) hung like a pale smear in the dark." I thought Lee was black? :P
I would like to add that it was a great choice to play the twin-connection angle by having the grieving George try to find Fred in himself. The way you described it was well in accordance to how irrational yet symbolical the human mind is when in shock. But the entire time I was reading this, I couldn't stop wondering about the following: Fred and George are not all that similar in character. I would suspect that although they were ALWAYS on eachother's side no matter what, there must have been inner conflicts related to each asserting their own individuality against the odds of the world perceiving them as one and the same. Wouldn't George have to work through some issues of guilt or some memories of their difference in his attempt to ressurect Fred in himself? I am sure that the twins had a bond most can't even imagine, but knowing the paradoxical way the human mind works, I have always pictured their relationship to be secretly more on the hate-love spectrum. Since Fred and George are actually very inaccessible in the books, no one can say for sure, though, so this is not so much a critique as a comment ;)
I'll be of to the next chapter soon! Hope this helped, feel free to PM me if anything is unclear, I tend to get carried away and stop making sense :P
Author's Response: Hello! Thank you so much for your wonderfully honest review :D Your insight has been absolutely valuable and I'll certainly be taking your comments into account when I rewrite this chapter!
Now when I read that sentence with the repetition and the dust and the dust etc. it does sound a little forced. So I guess I will leave that out. And as for the Lee Jordan bit :D Yes, Lee is black but I left that description there because I sort of imagined him covered with layers of dust. And it was really dark and everything. Which now sounds silly. I'll think of a way to reword that part.
And as for the twins themselves, you're right in saying that they're "very inaccessible in the books". I was thinking about how I'd like to portray their relationship. There are lots of twin portrayals where one twin is dominant and the other's in the shadow and I've decided that this is not what I want. That means I'm pretty much leaning toward the "two-halves-of-a-whole" trope. The Weasley twins are never arguing in the books; there's this sense of equality between both. I know Fred speaks first and initiates jokes and all...but somehow I feel that the main reason why they're so prominent and so well-loved in the series is because of their two-ness. A good example would be to compare the two-ness of the twins to their good mate Lee Jordan, who I feel is equal to them in terms of their sense of mischief and creativity. I'm going to say that I think Lee Jordan is more outgoing than the twins (being quidditch commentator and Potterwatch radio host and all), and yet his character is overshadowed by them. Fans love the twins more.
It always feels (to me, at least) that their uniqueness and individuality is closely tied to their duality, and the sense of ease they have with this duality, which does lend them a certain invulnerability. They do feel like a wall, sometimes. But of course, this is my own perspective, which is an outsider's viewpoint. I will definitely be trying to get into both their heads (fingers crossed) and explore their psychological states and coping mechanisms and their relationship to each other. So, there will hopefully be nuances of difference between Fred and George, and I will be exploring these in future chapters.
So thank you so very much once again for your lovely honest review! You do make complete sense and your feedback's been absolutely valuable!